Lifestyle changes

At the beginning of this year, my high school best friend tragically passed away. Death is hard, but it seems like it's much harder when it's out of the blue. It almost seems as if it is a random draw of the short stick.

I knew how wonderful my friend had been to me, but to see her greatness expressed by many people was truly beautiful. We were sisters to each other in the best and worst way. I wouldn't have had it any different. The sisterhood we had is irreplaceable. We argued, got on each other's nerves, but also loved, encouraged, and pushed each other. I am trying my best to find the lesson in this devastating loss. This is for myself, but mostly because Teasha would kick my butt for wasting time. Time is something that we can't get back. Death can be inspiring and can spark change.

I woke up a few weeks after and realized that there were things in my life that needed immediate attention. There were other aspects of my life that needed to change completely. Not tomorrow, not next week, I needed to put a plan into action and begin to reprogram my mind. The only way this change is going to happen is with a lot of patience and a whole lot of God. Reprogramming your mind when you have been used to something for 31 years takes time, faith and a whole lotta prayer.

 It started with our schooling methods and just spilled over into how we live our life. It has been almost 2 years that we have been homeschooling our oldest daughter Kolby. There have been some good days, but many days it has been a battle. When you homeschool your children, you have control of the material that you and your child will cover/learn. It doesn't have to look like a traditional school, but in many aspects ours did. There were so many things that my husband and I did not like about school. I for one did not appreciate the frivolous information that we were taught. Skills that aren't important or that I would never use again. Initially, I wanted to go the Unschooling route, but it was quite frankly a bit scary to me. We will embark on our first full week next week. A student-led, student-initiated education. I follow her lead. We are here to be her guide and nurture her skills.

I also realized as a parent I was lacking. I have to extend grace to myself and to my children. I want to be a peacemaker in my house. I want to make sure that this is not only me and my husband's place of peace, but that is it also our children's place of peace. I want to enjoy my family, I want more devotion and prayer time together. I want more dance parties, game nights, discussions around our imaginary campfire where my husband asks the children to add things to keep the fire going (there were socks, remotes, toys thrown in there, which I thought was clever). I want there to be open communication with our children. I want to be trustworthy in their eyes. Due to the recent circumstances in my life I have been short and lashed out, yelled more than I'd like to admit, patience has been at zero. I am happy, but I want to ENJOY my life more. I want to have people over more, go places, and talk about it. I want to learn how to dance my feelings out. I want God to infiltrate every part of my being, for him to reign supreme in my/our life. I want to smile and laugh more. All this is up to me, I want to make a conscious decision to change and be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend etc.

There is another way of living. There are other aspects that I will share at a later time. I'm choosing to live my life this way and be the person I want to be. This is just the ground level, but it's a start. I don't want anymore frown lines lol, I have enough of those. When we embark on a new journey it can be scary or just downright intimidating. That should not be the reason for us not to try. None of this will be possible without God. Is there something in your life that you have been meaning to change or go after? The time is right now, at this moment. I am choosing to find the good in the bad situations. I am choosing to be thankful when I am down. I have gone through our Facebook messenger messages. We both knew what it was like to be the oldest, there are so many jokes and advice. I watched our maturation through the messages. I thank you Teasha for the many lessons you have taught me and are still teaching me in your death.

Here's to living our lives the way we want and letting God lead the way.

Why do you Homeschool?

 I ran into a friend a few weeks ago, we both work for the same district. We started to catch up. She asked about my oldest and I told her that I was homeschooling. She then asked me, why did I decide to home school instead of putting her in the district. I replied with a pretty generic answer; I was caught off guard and I was running around helping set up for a program. My answer was something about her excelling in reading and we're taking our time in math. I am so thankful that she asked me that specific question. It gave me an opportunity to truly think about my answer. I then had a conversation with my husband (you'll hear that more often than not, we talk about everything) after discussing our options, we collectively (all 3 of us me, my husband and Kolby's father) decided that homeschooling would be the best fit for Kolby (I did not realize at the time how well it was going to fit.)

I wasn't worried about her socialization skills or if those skills would suffer. Socialization is important, but it isn't the most important thing. She is in activities and an awesome home school art class where she gets to interact with other children that are like her. I wanted to ignite that spark for learning, I wanted to show her that  learning can be fun and that it is something that is a lifelong journey. Everything that we do in our day to day lives is an opportunity for us to teach and our children to learn. We can even switch roles where the children become the teachers and we become the student. Kolby is so much like me in certain ways and we couldn't be more different in other aspects of our personalities. We are both lovers of books. That is how I like to learn or take in knowledge by reading. I like to highlight, and write in the book alongside the edge of the pages. Math is where we struggle. When we first started school it was difficult,  there were somethings that she and I both needed to unlearn. I was trying to make our home school mimic public school, starting with early wake up calls. We were both miserable. I had people telling me it should be structured like public school from 8-3. Brandon said," If we wanted it to be just like public school, we would put her in public school." The beauty about homeschooling her is that you get to set it up the way you see fit. I had to get to know her and what she likes to do and which way she likes to learn.

Praise, prayer and worship is part of home school life; we do it everyday. We get to read our favorite bible stories and we get to snuggle up on the couch, or read outside on a blanket if that's what we want to do that day. We are teaching Kolby how to cook, and she absolutely loves it. She helps with her brother and sister. She is more patient and kind to them then she was when she was in school.(Don't get it twisted they fight like cats and dogs and the next minute they're best friends.) I get to spend time with her. I felt like I didn't get enough time with her when she was in school. She would come home spend a few hours on homework, and then maybe have some reading to do. We would eat dinner and then it was time for bed. It can be trying at different times when a new skill doesn't come as easily as the last one did, or when she just downright doesn't feel like doing it. Then add the two littles in there and some days are just a recipe for disaster. There are tons more great days where we're singing, dancing, building, writing, doing science experiments and learning is happening in the midst of all that.

We are not  teaching her pointless information that she is never going to use again.Teaching goes well beyond memorizing math facts and definitions. It's about applying them to real life situations, making it more personal, so they can make connections that they will remember. You could be the smartest person in the world, but ugly and empty on the inside. I want her to be a great person. We are teaching her how to be a well rounded and instilling values at the same time. Skills need to nurtured,but if you have the patience learning will happen organically if you allow it.

I refuse to do everything for my daughter. I refuse to think for her, but I will do my best to nurture her critical thinking skills. In order to nurture those critical thinking skills she will have to learn to figure some things out on her own. I will guide her, I will walk her through a few times and then after that you have to do it for yourself. If she tries one way and it doesn't work, I will encourage her to try again another way, if she doesn't get it the next time, I will encourage her to continue to try until she gets it. That way she can  feel good about figuring it out on her own. This also builds self esteem. I come in contact with too may children who have no critical thinking skills, WE CANNOT CONTINUE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR OUR CHILDREN. They will in turn grow up and not be able to do anything for themselves unless you are there next to them holding their hands. (I'm not about that life.) 

I want her to know that she can be anything that she wants to be. I want her to be the Queen bee, not a worker bee or drone. I want her to have the entrepreneurial mind set. I want her to know that it is obtainable. She watches what me and her dad are doing at home. She hears some of the conversations we have. She will witness firsthand what it looks like to be your own boss. She will also know that it will not be handed to her. You have to work for what you want. It starts now. The freedom to start when we want to start and cover whatever material we want to cover is also a huge perk. Making sure my child is respectful, has manners, can think for herself, speak up for herself, stand firm in what she believes even if she is the only one standing at times (because it will be like that at times) loves God, knows that she has to work hard and that it's okay to fail as long as you dust yourself off and try again, shows compassion for others and can lend a listening ear; that's what this is all about. I want her to express herself, ask as many questions as she needs or wants to, I want her to be creative and share the world through her eyes, I want her to have an opinion. These are the things that she is going to pass on to her children. These are the things that will last and the things that matter most. Education is extremely important, but being a  down right awesome person, that's equally important. Most of all I don't ever want that desire for learning (that fire) to ever go out, because learning is a lifelong process.

We recently learned about the honey bees. We read books, we looked at videos. We made some bees out of old egg cartons and pipe cleaner. We had to use the hot glue gun and she had an accident in her art class (she dripped some of the hot glue on two of her fingers, she had two huge blisters on her middle and ring finger). She was scared to use to glue gun, she helped me glue on a few wings and eyes with the hot glue gun. It was an opportunity to walk her through one of her fears and show her that when the glue gun is used properly it is perfectly safe. I remember that a family friend of ours is in fact a beekeeper. We set up a visit and it was awesome. He talked to us about bees first and then he took us out to the hives. We had such an awesome time. It was the first time that I had seen the Ibarra's in a long time and the first time that they met my children. I got to learn right alongside of her. It was sooooooo cool to see the bees up close and personal. I saw my first bee carrying pollen in his back leg pockets. Learning never stops even for adults. We are also creating relationships. Isn't that what life is all about? Relationships ( that is another blog for another day)
This is why we home school.

Disclaimer: These are my opinions and my views I am not the end all be all for home school moms.

Just a Mom

 If you would have asked me 15 years ago, what do you see yourself doing 10-15 years from now? My answer would have been completely different, than what I am actually doing right now. ( I think this may hold true for many people in general.) I am a full time wife/mom, homeschool mom, And part time teacher.

Photo credit: Bnatural Photography

   I was famous for downplaying my role as a mother, it's what I did for a long time. When friends or family ask you what you're doing and you tell them you're raising your kids, (and now homeschooling) the look on their faces is priceless. As if to say that's it? I thought that what I was doing was insignificant. I felt like I wasn't doing anything (which was far from the truth) and that I wasn't on the right path. What am I doing?  God did a number on me; he used my husband and a few women in my life to show me how important it is to just be a mom. Clara my( grandmother) was a mother to 14 children and countless grandchildren. She passed away in February 2015. She spoke Spanish hardly any English, when she passed away I was sad, because I thought I didn't know her. I wrote a poem for my grandmother and God showed me just how well I did know my grandma.  My Abuela had 14 children that she raised, 14. Can you imagine how much patience that takes? Think about what she dealt with from the time she woke up in the morning until the time she went to bed. She was an amazing woman of God with a servants heart. And it was seen all throughout her life even when she spent time with us. Then there is Irma (my mom's mother) she stayed home and raised her children. She made my mother's prom dress (which was beautiful) She instilled values in her children. We learn what to do and sometimes we learn what not to do from our moms and other women in our lives. We take what we can use and discard what doesn't work for us. Irma knows that she can craft her butt off. She is a great cook, she makes beautiful quilts and can crochet like nobodies business. She is one of the tidiest people I have ever met in my life. She loves the Lord, reads her Bible and prays. She did start working when she was older.  She is a wonderful woman and she too is guilty of downplaying her role. I am blessed to have an awesome mother as well. She let us know that anything is possible. Many of the things that are listed. I learned from her.

Just being a mom in all it's glory.

  I recently had the pleasure of talking to my sis in love and my best friend about motherhood and seasons on two separate occasions. See, to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under Heaven. (Ecc 3:1) When I started to view it like this, everything made sense. My husband and I made a decision that I would stay home and raise our children. I'm not sure at the time I knew what that completely entailed. In the here and now I choose my family. If I died 10 years from now and I was just a wife and mom. I would be more than okay with that (please Lord don't let that statement be true though I want to live until I am 100.) Moms are so significant to the body of Christ. We are the managers of the household.  We fasted last week. And of course I wondered am I don't this correctly? I was in my word, worshiping and praising, praying. I thought that I was left wordless. Then Sunday came and it was time to share our experience. Last year God told me that I couldn't do it all. Which was a hard pill to swallow at first.This year I kept seeing the word patience. As if he was just saying look around at your children, do you see the difference a whole year makes, what you are now able to accomplish. You wont always be in this season of your life, but while you are enjoy it, enjoy your kids while they are little, enjoy your husband. I took that all in. See, to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose.

I have the Youversion Bible app on my phone and I utilize it often. They have a boatload of Bible plans that one can choose from. One of my favorite Bible Plans is called God's Gift to Families: Moms.
Mom is a disciple. "The Holy Spirit does his best work in Christian homes. And among his chiefest and most valuable assistants are Christian mothers." I'm going to paraphrase it goes on the explain that most people are brought to faith by their parents, but it was mom who seriously discipled them. Moms are at home reading bible stories to their children, teaching them christian songs and showing them how to pray.

 We moms are an example to our children. We are the ones praying over our children when their behavior is less than savory, when they are sick and just in every day life. We can help them set healthy spiritual habits, eating habits, learning habits. I praise and worship like there is no tomorrow, singing loudly, dancing, arms stretched wide. My children see that. I pray out loud whenever the spirit moves me to do so about whomever is put upon my heart. My children see that. I write in my prayer journal, my 7 year old daughter now has her own. We memorize scripture together, because I want that imprinted upon our hearts. I encourage questions, if I don't have the answer, we research the answer together. We encourage honesty and truth telling. I encourage saying I'm sorry  (forgiveness). I encourage showing love and kindness. I encourage helping others ( I just stopped to blow up the whoopee cushion my 2 year old son loves to play with, also I am being served pretend food by the girls who are currently making me pretend desserts...see helping lol) I encourage getting back up after you have fallen, trying a different route if the first way failed. I clean and cover boo boos or kiss them. We have dance parties, we tickle each other senseless, we laugh and joke. I serve children 3 meals a day (shout out to my husband who is a major help with dinner) We show them that they should do something that they love and are passionate about. Which doesn't always mean what you love is going to be easy. I talk to people when I'm out. I make mistakes and I apologize when I do. I am an example to my son on what qualities to look for in a wife. I am an example to my daughters on how to be a wife and mom. We discipline our children, so we can show them right from wrong. Moms loves fiercely. Moms encourage, we lend advice to our girlfriends and family members. We offer our friendship to our children ( My mom is one of my most cherished friends) Moms teach kids their history. We show them that we can be entrepreneurs.  Did I mention we pray? Moms are in their word always learning. Moms and children are the originators of book clubs. We nurse our children, which is one of the most intimate things a mother and child can do. We show our children that we can overcome brokenness, that God is a healer and he can restore all things. (We do this by talking to our children when we deem age appropriate, or when God reveals to you to share your story). We share, so that our children don't make the mistakes that we made. They can bypass some of our pitfalls, because I want my children to be better than I am. We push ourselves. We teach them to be artists. We show them our love for life and music. We teach our children how to negotiate
 (when we're on the phone getting that overdraftt fee back lol). We stay true to ourselves even if the outcome is unfavorable. We show what it looks like to surrender all to God.  We nurture them in all aspects of their life. And our children see all of this. We are lioness'  and there's nothing a lioness won't do for her family. I always tell my oldest daughter that it's my job to instill values in you, teach you how to be responsible for yourself.  When it's time for you to go out into the world I have raised a young woman of God. You in turn can go out into the world and be a fully functioning member of society that can contribute.

I chose to give birth to my son (no 3) naturally after having an epidural with both girls. It was an intense experience, one that I will never forget and always cherish. It taught me how to be in tune with my body to listen to the cues that it was giving me. And later I learned how to do the same thing with my spirit, to be in tune with my spirit and listen to the Holy Spirit who guides us and what he is telling me in the moment. In the same way we give birth to children, that is how our gifts are conceived in our wombs, and for many of us our gifts/ideas are just waiting for us to give birth to them. We as women have the power to house life, and nourish it. My husband and I were talking last night and women can save peoples souls by just being a mother, mothering their own biological kids and other peoples kids, Showing these kids UNCONDITIONAL love and compassion. Moms let the love of Christ shine through, so they can shower it on whomever they come into contact with.
That is what just being a mom looks like.

Make it Happen Captain......

We celebrated my husband's 31st birthday last week. We had a great time. Wonderful people, good beer and great conversation. Then he got sick. We are finally swinging back into our routine. I have been trying to figure out what the heck I am going to write about. I have all these ideas swirling in my head. Have you ever felt just so overwhelmed by knowledge?  There are so many books I want to read and my running list just keeps getting longer. I have to take a deep breath and slow down.

Brandon and I were talking on his lunch break today. We talk everyday unless he falls asleep or schooling spills over into the afternoon. It happens. He was just telling me that he wanted me to make a list of classes that I wanted to take, classes that I am interested in. Classes where I can further develop my skills. Whatever those skills may be. He also apologized for not being supportive in the past. He said you're an amazing mother and wife. He said, " I know me and the kids make you happy, I know that you have joy from Jesus and that makes you happy, but past that you don't have anything for yourself." It is a true statement recently we have been talking about how life is short and long at the same time. In an instant life as we know could be taken away from us, and in the same sense we cannot live fearfully because of that. He said we can fit in classes for you before you go back to grad school.

I think what stood out to me the most is him apologizing and then him saying let's do this. Let's make this happen. Life is indeed too short to not pursue the things that make us happy. I have a friend who finally got to take that horticulture class that she wanted to take. Which I think is awesome by the way, because we share the same love for growing beautiful things, helping to nurture and watching things mature. If we love something we should go after it. 2017 has awakened something in me a thirst for knowledge, to be a student always, to want to listen to others more with an open mind and an open heart, to create and build the relationships I want, asking God to continue to do a work in to mold me into the person that I am supposed to be for him. I am inspired and want to continue to have that fire lit. More of HIM less of me. Does that make sense? I refuse to live on this earth although temporary, and not do what I was put here to do no matter how unattainable it sounds to most people. I will not work a job for the rest of my life that I do not like. I will no longer waste my time on things that don't matter.

We have to stop saying what we will do and just do it. Stop making the excuses and finding all the reasons not to do it. I am truly guilty of doing all of the above. We have to go after the things we want and tackle things a day at a time. All it takes is getting started, get the ball rolling as they say. God has giving us these skills, talents, gifts for a reason. They're not just for us ladies and gentlemen they're for others as well. When we don't do what we are called to do or start walking in our purpose how many people do we miss helping? I have been getting acclimated to being a mother of 3 for quite sometime. I was so disappointed in myself last year. I love to read, like seriously love to read. That meme of the woman paying for cleaning supplies, groceries, not buying clothes and making in rain when it was time to buy books. Yeah that totally me. Bringing it back to last year I read a total of 1 book for myself and of course countless children's books. (seriously though we read books everyday.) This year I said that I would read more books, how would I do that with the same amount of time? I cut down my time on social media and I stopped watching t.v. I already wasn't watching a lot of t.v.. I read 3 books in January, while I have slowed down this month I am half through another. If I want to complete various tasks I have to be conscious of how I spend my down time. (Is it ever really down time with kids?)

I am so grateful for the amazing conversations that I have had recently and being able to bounce ideas off of other people. We are created to be in relationships with other people, we desire to be in those relationships. I value my relationships and I don't take them for granted. I was messaging a friend a few days ago to check on her and her family. The conversation was right on time and she was extremely encouraging. She doesn't know what that means to me, because some of the closest people to you aren't that supportive and encouraging. She did say,"I encourage you that no sacrifice is pleasant at the time,but you will succeed." My advice make moves and let people watch you work instead of running your mouth. I am learning. I am extremely thankful for the transparent relationship that Brandon and I have. Thank you for the pep talks, for being inspiring and encouraging for letting me stand upon your shoulders so that my feet don't touch the ground love.
2017 has already started off amazing.

Say whatttttt??????????

Last, Memorial day weekend my children spent the long weekend with their Nona and Mepaw, My husband and I enjoy our kidless weekends. It just so happens that this particular weekend we decided to paint our entire downstairs, the stairway and the upstairs hallway. Did I mention it was just the two of us?(Seriously, what were we thinking?) Not a small task, but we were up for the challenge. Besides getting no real sleep, it was  a great weekend. We talked, we sang together, we listened to music without talking. We were in close proximity all weekend. It was one of those experiences that brought us closer together.

        We went to Home Depot once, hoping that we bought everything that we needed. But as everyone knows we ended up back at Home Depot a few more times. When we got back home it was then when my husband informed me of what he heard in passing. I guess there were two men who were looking at me. My husband is very observant, he always peeps things that I am terribly oblivious too. I walked back over to my husband, grabbed his hand  and he over heard the men say, "They're always with the ugly ones." In Brandon fashion he then turned around and winked at them. Brandon didn't tell me any of this went on until we got home. I probably would have sat there and lectured the men for 5 minutes about their ignorant comment. I was angry, the nerve of some people.

The men drew their assumptions based solely on how we look on the outside. For starters my husband is fine., (My opinion, yet again my opinion is the one that matters) Marriages based solely on looks....usually don't end up working in the long run, but what do I know? Over years physically we go through changes we gain weight from pregnancies or life, boobs sag, we get stretch marks, back fat, weight goes up and down....behinds widen, we battle different illnesses. The list could go on and on. My husband loves me for me, he sees me all of me. He sees those ugly parts (fat rolls and stretch marks, I'm kidding, but he does see them) and yet and still chooses to love me. You know those ugly parts you wouldn't dare capture and put all over social media. Those parts that people try to hide, we all have them cause no marriage/relationship is perfect. And your bound to get on each others nerves, frustrate one another, disagree, you see this person EVERY day. For every time that we've argued, disagreed,frustrated each other there are 100 more times that we have made each other happy, laugh and comforted one another.. We have created some awesome life and continue to do so. I'm not trying to scare anyone when it comes to marriage because it's probably the best decision I have made other than accept Jesus as my personal savior, I'm just saying.

Attractiveness ( I know not a word, I'm going to use it) anyways and what people are attracted to vary from person to person. We like different attributes in people because we aren't robots. We're all programmed differently. I know that my husband finds me attractive, but that there are men out there that don't. Since my husband finds me attractive and I think that I'm fine (lol) does any of that other stuff really matter? To me not so much. I'm drawn to my husband not just because of his good looks, he is charming, a man like a mans man, we have a connection that has always been there. The understanding is there. I could go on and on about my husband, on to the next thought.

I was sort of taken aback, people can be so shallow, not a big surprise there. I believe people should focus more on their own business, life would be so much better if we learned to just keep our mouths shut sometimes. Oh the things we would learn.  In church Pastor Marion said this year that she wanted us not only to read the word but to dig deeper look below the surface. We have to learn how to do that as human beings, we can't just look at the surface we have to go below the surface and dig deep and in some instances dive. I believe if we spent more time doing that getting to know someone truly know someone we wouldn't waste our time we could move on easier without any strings attached. Instead what ends up happening and this is may or may not be from personal experience is that we just pay attention to what's going on, on the surface and we end up jumping into a relationship with someone we have no business being with. We're so busy looking at what's going on on the surface that we miss all the important things because we didn't go deep enough, That can turn into something messy real quick and we stay in mess instead of leaving it because we got more involved than we should have.






We have to look below the surface, because that is where the beauty lies. Sometimes digging isn't enough, sometimes we have to dive in to get a better look. The biggest bonus my husband's weird matches my weird, He gets me. Did I mention that my husband is fine??

Blessings

Beautiful Chaos

I am sure that after I write this I will have a clever title. Sometimes I know it before I start writing and it sets the tone for the entire blog. At church we were asked a few questions, what are some goals that we wanted to accomplish this year? What are some things that you want to work on? etc. Those types of questions. I know that this year I want to dig deeper into the word, for my prayer life to be more consistent, to take care of myself and most importantly stop beating myself up. I put the most pressure on myself. My husband is awesome and works, so that I can be at home with the kids and work super part time. It is truly a blessing. I homeschool our 6 year old, that in itself is an adventure.I have to take day by day. Every day is different. It may seem like I have it all together, honestly I lose it several times a day. I have tiny humans making their demands and request from the time I wake up until the time I close my eyes. Every time it seems as if we're getting into some sort of rhythm or routine someone starts teething or having nightmares and it starts all over again. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to procreate, they're such a blessing, and being a mom is such an amazing thing. Let's talk about how its 10:58 pm and my son is outright refusing to go to bed. He keeps fake crying and calling my name.

This is Kolby's first year of homeschool. I think I am messing up my kid at least twice a day. I am still building my confidence. I graduated EIU with a Bachelors in Elementary Education, but somehow manage to convince myself that I am not capable of teaching my child. That makes perfect sense right? There are  many opportunities at home for her to learn. I am not worried about the socialization of my daughter; I am more concerned about the amount of information that she is taking in, I am thankful that I get to watch her as she begins to trust herself more and realize her inner strengths. I just want to raise God fearing, independent, intelligent, knowledge seeking, kind, humble, beautiful individuals with strong opinions and personalities who love or at least can appreciate nature. I want them to be able to trust themselves. I had an aha moment and realized that there is no better person qualified for the job. I want to be there every step of the way. A friend of mine who is also homeschooling her children (shout out to Shalia) has been a godsend and she has helped me to ease up on myself as well. She lets me bounce ideas off of her if we find something we like we share it with each other.

I had a recent epiphany after a small spat with my husband(ya'll like how I slipped that in there spat lol). I haven't taken the time I need for myself to be refreshed. Self care is important. When you're constantly doing for others as we tend to do as women period then add the title wife, mother, sister, friend, Aunt, godmother, granddaughter; we tend to put ourselves last on the totem pole. He told me that he needed me to take that time, so that I can come back feeling replenished. My communication has to be better too. I assume by saying certain things that my husband knows what I am thinking therefore he knows what I want. Negative, that is such a false statement. I just have to tell him what I am thinking and feeling, tell him what I mean. I do this often, except when it comes time for myself. Brandon is the first one to ask if I need some alone time. I just think to myself that there is just so much to do and get done that there is no time for me to take for myself. That too is a negative statement. When I need the time, I have to take the time. Otherwise I end up blowing up because I feel overwhelmed.  I have been praying more in those moments asking God to guide me to help replenish my patience and to be slow to anger. I just have to take a moment. It has helped tremendously. The kids respond to it better as well. This helps me transition into my next set of thoughts.

 My husband and I were up late last week into the wee hours of the early morning. We were up clowin', conversation and laughter are key to a great marriage. He's my bestfriend. This weekend he woke up a little early pushed the toddler in our bed to the other side, laid down on my side just lay with me and hold me. Intimacy. Our conversations are priceless and I don't take them for granted. He's extremely inspiring. As I'm sitting here typing away, I hear the click clacking of the keys from his computer.

Walk that walk and talk that talk. If you want to change something or do something better do it. All you have to do is get started. In order for something to happen you have to get the ball rolling and you have to keep the ball rolling. I have STOP being so hard on myself. I can't do it all and there aren't enough hours in the day. Somethings I just have to learn how to let go. My kids are going to remember my kisses and cuddles, that I dress up and run around with them, I listen and pay attention to them, They're not going to say oh yeah our house was so clean. I want to be here in the present. My life isn't perfect, but it's my life, I like to call it beautiful chaos. Seriously beautiful chaos because it is just that and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just wanted to share.

Mommy Chronicles pt.1

It's been way too long to even apologize. I'm not even going to make excuses. I have had two more children since the last time I wrote a blog. Kolby is 6, Meela will be 2 on Sunday and Judah turned 1 last month, busy is an understatement. We are always on the move. I am learning to find beauty in the mundane (thanks Dori.) We decided that I would be with the kids the majority of the time. They are only this small for a short amount of time. The kids are amazing little people that can make me feel a vast amount of emotions in a short span of time.. I am extremely thankful for them. It is an amazing feeling to watch them grow and watch their distinct personalities develop. I am along for their journey, it is a roller coaster. A roller coaster I wouldn't trade for the world. There are many nights Brandon and I pass out from exhaustion. Exhaustion from work and day to day things. Then there are beautiful nights such as these that I am up and the house is quite. I hear my husband snoring and my children breathing and tossing in their sleep. Sometimes I watch tv, other times I just stare at the wall and think, other nights I pray.

There are days I feel like I am in adequate, like I am not doing ANYTHING. Brandon has to remind me just how important my job is. My 6 year old is going through a bit of a rough patch. She's going through this mouthy, eye rolling, stubborn as a mule with an attitude to match phase. It drives me up the wall. And I'm like what the heck am I doing wrong? The answer is nothing. She is a little person testing the limits, trying to figure things out, I am in no way saying what is going on is OK, but it's a phase. We're trying to navigate through it together with conversation and tons of prayer. She was off for spring break this week (I know super late for Spring break) and we had such a great time together. She does way better when the 5 of us are together for an extended amount of time. This week I watched her guide her brother around things, played Barbies with Meela. I was just amazed at how big she is getting and how fast it happened. I watched her love on her brother and sister, even though sometimes those moments were short lived and followed shortly by one or both of them screaming mom to tell on the other one. Those moments in between are beautiful. I want to capture it all, but sometimes in trying to capture it all you miss IT, whatever IT may be.

Meela is in her "terrible twos" phase. Maybe because I anticipated it, it doesn't seem so bad. First she's sour then she's sweet, no but seriously that's her. She's so silly and strong willed, but so sweet sometimes all at once.Brandon was just telling me how he looks at her in the middle of their conversations like I am sitting here having a whole conversation with my two year old. A full blown conversation where she is making gestures, faces and stringing words together so easily now. She loves her big sister and wants to do what she does, of course she cannot do everything her big sister does as she is 4 years older than Meela. Meela and Judah have a special language they look at each other every morning at some point stop what they're doing and make each other smile and then laugh. Meela loves snuggling with her big sister while they're watching movies, which is something Meela just started doing recently.

Judah man. Happiest toddler I have ever met. He is always smiling and laughing, so so so goofy. I have quickly learned the difference between little boys and girls. We had to buy a baby gate for the steps; he climbs on EVERYTHING. Slides off of things with his had stretched out head first, ready for the world. Judah gets into anything and everything. We have this bucket full of balls that the girls rarely played with. Thanks to Judah they are all over the house EVERYDAY. Everything that is round is automatically a ball. I had to explain to him many times today that my melons that he was rolling all around my kitchen were in fact fruit and not balls. He looked at me and pointed at the melons saying "Ball." I would say, "No." He would just smile or laugh. The way his sisters love on him is a sight of beauty.

They all add something special to our family. Thank you husband for helping to make this all possible, without him there would be no this.We have gained friends, lost friends have estranged friends. We're just trying to navigate through this the best way we can. I am just so thankful that I have a great husband, we do this together, giving 100% of ourselves. We have to our kids are watching. We get through it together by communicating and praying. Praying helps so much, the secret is to not stop praying once things are good, continue on through the good.

Psalms 127:3-5
Lo, children are the heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

Just wanted to share some of me
Enjoy