I knew how wonderful my friend had been to me, but to see her greatness expressed by many people was truly beautiful. We were sisters to each other in the best and worst way. I wouldn't have had it any different. The sisterhood we had is irreplaceable. We argued, got on each other's nerves, but also loved, encouraged, and pushed each other. I am trying my best to find the lesson in this devastating loss. This is for myself, but mostly because Teasha would kick my butt for wasting time. Time is something that we can't get back. Death can be inspiring and can spark change.
I woke up a few weeks after and realized that there were things in my life that needed immediate attention. There were other aspects of my life that needed to change completely. Not tomorrow, not next week, I needed to put a plan into action and begin to reprogram my mind. The only way this change is going to happen is with a lot of patience and a whole lot of God. Reprogramming your mind when you have been used to something for 31 years takes time, faith and a whole lotta prayer.
It started with our schooling methods and just spilled over into how we live our life. It has been almost 2 years that we have been homeschooling our oldest daughter Kolby. There have been some good days, but many days it has been a battle. When you homeschool your children, you have control of the material that you and your child will cover/learn. It doesn't have to look like a traditional school, but in many aspects ours did. There were so many things that my husband and I did not like about school. I for one did not appreciate the frivolous information that we were taught. Skills that aren't important or that I would never use again. Initially, I wanted to go the Unschooling route, but it was quite frankly a bit scary to me. We will embark on our first full week next week. A student-led, student-initiated education. I follow her lead. We are here to be her guide and nurture her skills.
I also realized as a parent I was lacking. I have to extend grace to myself and to my children. I want to be a peacemaker in my house. I want to make sure that this is not only me and my husband's place of peace, but that is it also our children's place of peace. I want to enjoy my family, I want more devotion and prayer time together. I want more dance parties, game nights, discussions around our imaginary campfire where my husband asks the children to add things to keep the fire going (there were socks, remotes, toys thrown in there, which I thought was clever). I want there to be open communication with our children. I want to be trustworthy in their eyes. Due to the recent circumstances in my life I have been short and lashed out, yelled more than I'd like to admit, patience has been at zero. I am happy, but I want to ENJOY my life more. I want to have people over more, go places, and talk about it. I want to learn how to dance my feelings out. I want God to infiltrate every part of my being, for him to reign supreme in my/our life. I want to smile and laugh more. All this is up to me, I want to make a conscious decision to change and be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend etc.
There is another way of living. There are other aspects that I will share at a later time. I'm choosing to live my life this way and be the person I want to be. This is just the ground level, but it's a start. I don't want anymore frown lines lol, I have enough of those. When we embark on a new journey it can be scary or just downright intimidating. That should not be the reason for us not to try. None of this will be possible without God. Is there something in your life that you have been meaning to change or go after? The time is right now, at this moment. I am choosing to find the good in the bad situations. I am choosing to be thankful when I am down. I have gone through our Facebook messenger messages. We both knew what it was like to be the oldest, there are so many jokes and advice. I watched our maturation through the messages. I thank you Teasha for the many lessons you have taught me and are still teaching me in your death.
Here's to living our lives the way we want and letting God lead the way.
