You can see how this could be a problem for me right?? I am a writer. I write all sorts of pieces. Poetry, short stories, (God willing a novel soon) etc. I have been encouraged to perform a couple of my own creations at an open mic. I guess watching others perform on Def Jam poetry, I feel like I haven't found my voice yet. Does that make sense?
Last year, I joined my husbands church, Blessed Ministries. It's a small church, with faithful members, a very intimate setting. In June of 2011, ( I believe) was when it started. Dad wanted us all to pick a month and a Sunday, and deliever the message. I just remember thinking in my head, this cannot be happening. I just joined, I'm not going. They gave me a chance to settle and since we were getting married in October that pushed my message to November. I remember feeling very uncomfortable and slightly upset.Why do I have to do this? I was terribly afraid of speaking in front of people (Shout out to Elighie Wilson at Prairie State for making out Comm 101 class like a family, so we weren't as nervous to give speeches.) Looking back. ever since I could remember, I remember feeling this way. I just never was the one for the spotlight, all attention on me. (Ugh, even now it still makes me slightly uneasy.) But I think what's even worse is standing up there and reading your own material, you know the things that you think and feel.
To me poetry is very personal,it's a part of you that you're putting out there. I realize I wasn't ready to feel so open and exposed. That's how I felt about my sermon/message. In true Kathy fashion I woke up 2.5 hours before church to figure out what exactly I was going to go up there and pray. I remember praying to God, and once that happened the writing just flowed out of me. (Yes, I literally just thought I was going to go up there and read everything I wrote down on the paper.) I finished and I was pleased with my product. I was ok until I got to church, ( I unfortunately have terrible armpit sweat when I'm super nervous, YAY ME). When I got up there there was a calming off my overshot nerves and I got up there and talked about forgiveness. Because at the time it was the reoccurring theme in my life. I talked about letting go and really forgiving people who hurt you.
In the end it wasn't so bad. It was very liberating and I did not mind being so exposed. What I also realized is that you have to do it, to know what it feels like. You have to do it for yourself and others, because you never know who your words are going to touch and give encouragement to. Everyone has a message and I believe everyone takes something from your message. It doesn't have to be complex and you don't have to use big words that people need a dictionary to look up. All you can be is you and hope people can accept/love the authenticity that is you.
That being said, I challenge you all to do something that makes you slightly uncomfortable, but know that it's good for you.
Does anyone else know what this feels like??
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