Say whatttttt??????????

Last, Memorial day weekend my children spent the long weekend with their Nona and Mepaw, My husband and I enjoy our kidless weekends. It just so happens that this particular weekend we decided to paint our entire downstairs, the stairway and the upstairs hallway. Did I mention it was just the two of us?(Seriously, what were we thinking?) Not a small task, but we were up for the challenge. Besides getting no real sleep, it was  a great weekend. We talked, we sang together, we listened to music without talking. We were in close proximity all weekend. It was one of those experiences that brought us closer together.

        We went to Home Depot once, hoping that we bought everything that we needed. But as everyone knows we ended up back at Home Depot a few more times. When we got back home it was then when my husband informed me of what he heard in passing. I guess there were two men who were looking at me. My husband is very observant, he always peeps things that I am terribly oblivious too. I walked back over to my husband, grabbed his hand  and he over heard the men say, "They're always with the ugly ones." In Brandon fashion he then turned around and winked at them. Brandon didn't tell me any of this went on until we got home. I probably would have sat there and lectured the men for 5 minutes about their ignorant comment. I was angry, the nerve of some people.

The men drew their assumptions based solely on how we look on the outside. For starters my husband is fine., (My opinion, yet again my opinion is the one that matters) Marriages based solely on looks....usually don't end up working in the long run, but what do I know? Over years physically we go through changes we gain weight from pregnancies or life, boobs sag, we get stretch marks, back fat, weight goes up and down....behinds widen, we battle different illnesses. The list could go on and on. My husband loves me for me, he sees me all of me. He sees those ugly parts (fat rolls and stretch marks, I'm kidding, but he does see them) and yet and still chooses to love me. You know those ugly parts you wouldn't dare capture and put all over social media. Those parts that people try to hide, we all have them cause no marriage/relationship is perfect. And your bound to get on each others nerves, frustrate one another, disagree, you see this person EVERY day. For every time that we've argued, disagreed,frustrated each other there are 100 more times that we have made each other happy, laugh and comforted one another.. We have created some awesome life and continue to do so. I'm not trying to scare anyone when it comes to marriage because it's probably the best decision I have made other than accept Jesus as my personal savior, I'm just saying.

Attractiveness ( I know not a word, I'm going to use it) anyways and what people are attracted to vary from person to person. We like different attributes in people because we aren't robots. We're all programmed differently. I know that my husband finds me attractive, but that there are men out there that don't. Since my husband finds me attractive and I think that I'm fine (lol) does any of that other stuff really matter? To me not so much. I'm drawn to my husband not just because of his good looks, he is charming, a man like a mans man, we have a connection that has always been there. The understanding is there. I could go on and on about my husband, on to the next thought.

I was sort of taken aback, people can be so shallow, not a big surprise there. I believe people should focus more on their own business, life would be so much better if we learned to just keep our mouths shut sometimes. Oh the things we would learn.  In church Pastor Marion said this year that she wanted us not only to read the word but to dig deeper look below the surface. We have to learn how to do that as human beings, we can't just look at the surface we have to go below the surface and dig deep and in some instances dive. I believe if we spent more time doing that getting to know someone truly know someone we wouldn't waste our time we could move on easier without any strings attached. Instead what ends up happening and this is may or may not be from personal experience is that we just pay attention to what's going on, on the surface and we end up jumping into a relationship with someone we have no business being with. We're so busy looking at what's going on on the surface that we miss all the important things because we didn't go deep enough, That can turn into something messy real quick and we stay in mess instead of leaving it because we got more involved than we should have.






We have to look below the surface, because that is where the beauty lies. Sometimes digging isn't enough, sometimes we have to dive in to get a better look. The biggest bonus my husband's weird matches my weird, He gets me. Did I mention that my husband is fine??

Blessings

Beautiful Chaos

I am sure that after I write this I will have a clever title. Sometimes I know it before I start writing and it sets the tone for the entire blog. At church we were asked a few questions, what are some goals that we wanted to accomplish this year? What are some things that you want to work on? etc. Those types of questions. I know that this year I want to dig deeper into the word, for my prayer life to be more consistent, to take care of myself and most importantly stop beating myself up. I put the most pressure on myself. My husband is awesome and works, so that I can be at home with the kids and work super part time. It is truly a blessing. I homeschool our 6 year old, that in itself is an adventure.I have to take day by day. Every day is different. It may seem like I have it all together, honestly I lose it several times a day. I have tiny humans making their demands and request from the time I wake up until the time I close my eyes. Every time it seems as if we're getting into some sort of rhythm or routine someone starts teething or having nightmares and it starts all over again. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to procreate, they're such a blessing, and being a mom is such an amazing thing. Let's talk about how its 10:58 pm and my son is outright refusing to go to bed. He keeps fake crying and calling my name.

This is Kolby's first year of homeschool. I think I am messing up my kid at least twice a day. I am still building my confidence. I graduated EIU with a Bachelors in Elementary Education, but somehow manage to convince myself that I am not capable of teaching my child. That makes perfect sense right? There are  many opportunities at home for her to learn. I am not worried about the socialization of my daughter; I am more concerned about the amount of information that she is taking in, I am thankful that I get to watch her as she begins to trust herself more and realize her inner strengths. I just want to raise God fearing, independent, intelligent, knowledge seeking, kind, humble, beautiful individuals with strong opinions and personalities who love or at least can appreciate nature. I want them to be able to trust themselves. I had an aha moment and realized that there is no better person qualified for the job. I want to be there every step of the way. A friend of mine who is also homeschooling her children (shout out to Shalia) has been a godsend and she has helped me to ease up on myself as well. She lets me bounce ideas off of her if we find something we like we share it with each other.

I had a recent epiphany after a small spat with my husband(ya'll like how I slipped that in there spat lol). I haven't taken the time I need for myself to be refreshed. Self care is important. When you're constantly doing for others as we tend to do as women period then add the title wife, mother, sister, friend, Aunt, godmother, granddaughter; we tend to put ourselves last on the totem pole. He told me that he needed me to take that time, so that I can come back feeling replenished. My communication has to be better too. I assume by saying certain things that my husband knows what I am thinking therefore he knows what I want. Negative, that is such a false statement. I just have to tell him what I am thinking and feeling, tell him what I mean. I do this often, except when it comes time for myself. Brandon is the first one to ask if I need some alone time. I just think to myself that there is just so much to do and get done that there is no time for me to take for myself. That too is a negative statement. When I need the time, I have to take the time. Otherwise I end up blowing up because I feel overwhelmed.  I have been praying more in those moments asking God to guide me to help replenish my patience and to be slow to anger. I just have to take a moment. It has helped tremendously. The kids respond to it better as well. This helps me transition into my next set of thoughts.

 My husband and I were up late last week into the wee hours of the early morning. We were up clowin', conversation and laughter are key to a great marriage. He's my bestfriend. This weekend he woke up a little early pushed the toddler in our bed to the other side, laid down on my side just lay with me and hold me. Intimacy. Our conversations are priceless and I don't take them for granted. He's extremely inspiring. As I'm sitting here typing away, I hear the click clacking of the keys from his computer.

Walk that walk and talk that talk. If you want to change something or do something better do it. All you have to do is get started. In order for something to happen you have to get the ball rolling and you have to keep the ball rolling. I have STOP being so hard on myself. I can't do it all and there aren't enough hours in the day. Somethings I just have to learn how to let go. My kids are going to remember my kisses and cuddles, that I dress up and run around with them, I listen and pay attention to them, They're not going to say oh yeah our house was so clean. I want to be here in the present. My life isn't perfect, but it's my life, I like to call it beautiful chaos. Seriously beautiful chaos because it is just that and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just wanted to share.