Beautiful Chaos

I am sure that after I write this I will have a clever title. Sometimes I know it before I start writing and it sets the tone for the entire blog. At church we were asked a few questions, what are some goals that we wanted to accomplish this year? What are some things that you want to work on? etc. Those types of questions. I know that this year I want to dig deeper into the word, for my prayer life to be more consistent, to take care of myself and most importantly stop beating myself up. I put the most pressure on myself. My husband is awesome and works, so that I can be at home with the kids and work super part time. It is truly a blessing. I homeschool our 6 year old, that in itself is an adventure.I have to take day by day. Every day is different. It may seem like I have it all together, honestly I lose it several times a day. I have tiny humans making their demands and request from the time I wake up until the time I close my eyes. Every time it seems as if we're getting into some sort of rhythm or routine someone starts teething or having nightmares and it starts all over again. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to procreate, they're such a blessing, and being a mom is such an amazing thing. Let's talk about how its 10:58 pm and my son is outright refusing to go to bed. He keeps fake crying and calling my name.

This is Kolby's first year of homeschool. I think I am messing up my kid at least twice a day. I am still building my confidence. I graduated EIU with a Bachelors in Elementary Education, but somehow manage to convince myself that I am not capable of teaching my child. That makes perfect sense right? There are  many opportunities at home for her to learn. I am not worried about the socialization of my daughter; I am more concerned about the amount of information that she is taking in, I am thankful that I get to watch her as she begins to trust herself more and realize her inner strengths. I just want to raise God fearing, independent, intelligent, knowledge seeking, kind, humble, beautiful individuals with strong opinions and personalities who love or at least can appreciate nature. I want them to be able to trust themselves. I had an aha moment and realized that there is no better person qualified for the job. I want to be there every step of the way. A friend of mine who is also homeschooling her children (shout out to Shalia) has been a godsend and she has helped me to ease up on myself as well. She lets me bounce ideas off of her if we find something we like we share it with each other.

I had a recent epiphany after a small spat with my husband(ya'll like how I slipped that in there spat lol). I haven't taken the time I need for myself to be refreshed. Self care is important. When you're constantly doing for others as we tend to do as women period then add the title wife, mother, sister, friend, Aunt, godmother, granddaughter; we tend to put ourselves last on the totem pole. He told me that he needed me to take that time, so that I can come back feeling replenished. My communication has to be better too. I assume by saying certain things that my husband knows what I am thinking therefore he knows what I want. Negative, that is such a false statement. I just have to tell him what I am thinking and feeling, tell him what I mean. I do this often, except when it comes time for myself. Brandon is the first one to ask if I need some alone time. I just think to myself that there is just so much to do and get done that there is no time for me to take for myself. That too is a negative statement. When I need the time, I have to take the time. Otherwise I end up blowing up because I feel overwhelmed.  I have been praying more in those moments asking God to guide me to help replenish my patience and to be slow to anger. I just have to take a moment. It has helped tremendously. The kids respond to it better as well. This helps me transition into my next set of thoughts.

 My husband and I were up late last week into the wee hours of the early morning. We were up clowin', conversation and laughter are key to a great marriage. He's my bestfriend. This weekend he woke up a little early pushed the toddler in our bed to the other side, laid down on my side just lay with me and hold me. Intimacy. Our conversations are priceless and I don't take them for granted. He's extremely inspiring. As I'm sitting here typing away, I hear the click clacking of the keys from his computer.

Walk that walk and talk that talk. If you want to change something or do something better do it. All you have to do is get started. In order for something to happen you have to get the ball rolling and you have to keep the ball rolling. I have STOP being so hard on myself. I can't do it all and there aren't enough hours in the day. Somethings I just have to learn how to let go. My kids are going to remember my kisses and cuddles, that I dress up and run around with them, I listen and pay attention to them, They're not going to say oh yeah our house was so clean. I want to be here in the present. My life isn't perfect, but it's my life, I like to call it beautiful chaos. Seriously beautiful chaos because it is just that and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just wanted to share.