Black Love and Blended Families

         Last Thursday July 19, 2012 I attended The Kindred Family Soul performance at The Shrine, in Chicago. I bought the tickets as soon as I heard they were going to be performing out here. (A little background, they're my favorite singing duo). The show was dope and it exceeded my expectations. Their voices complimented each other so well, of course we all love artists whose voices sound the same as on the cd. (It’s 2012, that's not always the case.) It was a beautiful experience. I loved watching them perform. Anyone in that room could tell that they were up there doing what they loved together and were very much in love on top of that. Who wouldn't enjoy doing what they love most with the person they love most? That in fact is a dream of mine. To write, but to write with my most treasured friend and love of my life (In case you don't know who that is, it's my husband.) Check out Kindred.

       

               When my husband and I tell people that we're married, or introduce our spouse to old classmates, old employees or associates they always seem to be surprised that we're married. We're young and black; so I guess people don't associate young black couples with marriage? And on top of that young and happily married. So why is this idea so unattainable? The idea that we make our blended family work  is crazy as well We have had some bumps and we continue to, but we try to work them out as best as we know how. We're still a work in progress when it comes to that. Every time I sit down to write a piece or a blog, I usually have a reason/purpose. There are other times when I sit down and write and something purposeful comes from it.

                Marrying my best friend was the best decision that I’ve ever made. I’ve always felt closer to God with him. Since we’ve been married my personal relationship with God has grown. My daughter is the product of a previous relationship. In the beginning I was a little leary as to how he would take to her. Once he started to get to know her it was no stopping it. My daughter is his daughter. He previously wrote something like this (this is not it verbatim), “I did not plant the seed, but I water it, tend to it, nurture it and give it the care that it needs to grow.” He is her father. I don’t think anyone else would have taken on that responsibility with as much grace as he did. Let’s fast forward to now, we’re 9 months into our marriage and we’re happy. Not the put on a happy face so everyone thinks we’re happy, we’re genuinely happy. We get on each other’s nerves, last nerve sometimes, but we work through it. The older I get there are things I notice about me that need work. Once you realize there are things that need work, you can begin to work on them together. We pray together, we talk about things; we have even gone over some of our notes from pre-marital counseling. My marriage is not perfect, but it’s a happy one. So it does exist.

                When I tell people how happy I am, it is combated with wait until you guys have that first serious fight, and you might even come to the point where you’ll be duking it out. My answer usually is, I don’t really see that happening, and the response usually is, oh just wait it’s coming. The older married couples or the divorced seem to enjoy scaring the younger generation. Oh marriage is hard work. I Marriage takes a lot don’t get me wrong, but it you have a partner who works with you, it’s not bad at all. Marrying your friend also helps because you have the friendship established. That’s what helps our marriage, the fact that we were best friends. Not the cliché, he’s my best friend. We were the we kicked it hard, did everything together best friends. He didn’t become my best friend after we started dating; he was my best friend before any of that came into play. I don’t claim to know everything about marriage. I have a lifetime to learn more. You just have to be open minded and not afraid to step outside your comfort zone. God is the foundation of our relationship. My husband is the head of my household and I do willingly submit to him. I trust that he will guide us in the right direction, because he is being instructed by God. For all of the women who cringe at the word submit (I was one of them), it takes a strong woman to submit to her husband. It’s an equal thing that will happen throughout marriage. Those of you who are married know what I’m talking about.  I don’t keep secrets, there are no hidden agendas, and we are honest and open with one another. I am saying all this to say the women who have had kids and aren’t with the father, you don’t have to settle, be patient. God created a man who will love you and your child(ren). There are happily married young black couples. Blended families do work (this is where effort is needed). I’m just so tired of the negativity that is focused on. No one wants to hear the positive things going

on.

      

Shout out to the young black married couples doing their thing.

What do you think? What is your idea of a happy marriage? Do you think it’s obtainable?

Love, Peace and Blessings

Say it LOUD.....

Not too long ago I was reading a blog a good friend of mine had posted. I immediately went to Amazon to purchase the book she was talking about. I had been in dire need of a good read. Then you know at the bottom after you purchase something, it has users who purchase this often purchase this...and they have suggestions. I then see this documentary, Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975. A week prior my husband and I had watched a documentary on 2Pac. The Black panthers were very powerful. Like Dr. King said,"There's power in numbers." Meanwhile the tradgedy of Trayon Martin is going on. My husband and I discuss EVERYTHING. (One of the pros of marrying your bestfriend.) Maybe this is the incident that will get everyone to come together. It doesn't need to be a temporary coming together but a more permanent coming together. During the civil rights they marched, they had sit ins, peaceful protest, they did whatever it took to stand up for justice/equality.
    Is it our time? Me, I sit here and think what can I do personally to make a difference? I can't be the only one that wants to do it, there have to be others like-minded that want to do the same. What does it all mean? My husband and I were trying to figure out how we were going to incoporate that into our ministry. What was the Black Panther movement missing? It was missing God. After Dr. Martin Luther King Jr died, who emerged next continuing that movement? We have to know our history, understand where we come from and understand our struggles as a people in order to help move forward. But you know what I loved most about the women of the Black panthers? They were educated, they took pride in that. What do we as Black women take pride in? What clothes we wear on our bodies, the shoes we wear on our feet and our hair? Really? What do we stand for as a whole? We need to focus on being more conscious and educating ourselves, figuring and asking God, hey what do I need to do for you, just use me. God has given us all a purpose. I'm soaking up all the knowledge I can, so when it's time for HIM to use me I'm ready. Is it your time?

Enlightenment

I started a blog a couple of days ago, saved it to my USB drive, and then my drive died. I was only sad because it was a pretty good blog. I have found myself in this weird place for a few days last week. I was in a FUNK, a huge one. I have an amazing husband, who goes above and beyond to make sure I’m happy. I have a spunky 2 year old, who is as sweet as pie. The remaining friends that I do have are great and supportive. A great support system my family and in laws. Last but certainly not least (saving the best for last) this awesome, awesome God who loves me and accepts me, like Beyonce’s song Flaws and All. I am grateful for my job which drains most of my energy throughout the week.

Every day I wake up, besides being thankful for being woken up, one of the first thoughts on my mind….I look over at my husband and think damn he’s fine, maybe we can sneak.... nevermind mind wandering. Then I think about writing. Needless to say I wake up EVERY single day and think about my day to see if I can steal 30 mins just to sit and write. I don't care what form it's in whether I'm blogging, writing in my journal or continuing on with my book. When I don't get to write or share my thoughts I get in a funk. I am going to make it a point to take sometime everday to write. I also learned that I need to take SOME ME TIME. I am a mother, a wife, a writer and a teacher. A teacher wears more than one hat simultaneously (so most days I'm a nurse, therapist/counselor, disciplinarian just to name a few). I went out with the girls on Friday. We went to The Baton, a drag show and had a blast. We had a couple of drinks, made jokes, spent half of the night with our mouths hanging open. We could not believe how beautiful those men looked in drag. They looked better than some women I know (*Sad, but true story*). Then Alethea took me to Lalos, this Salsa resturant/club. My people take their salsa seriously. I had an amazing time. Then Alethea talked in the parking garage for 45 mins.The conversations I have with Ms. Watson are also wonderful. She's the kind of friend that tells you how it is. Not in a bogus way, but in a way that you can receive the information that she's giving you. Needless to say it was the girls night out that I needed. I included this to say, we as women ( well some of us) don't take the T out that we need sometimes from life. It may be a night of dancing, reading a book, writing, painting, going to a movie, whatever floats your boat. It's ok to take me time to refresh yourself.I was out having a good time, but I was just as eager to get back home to my hubby (mom had the baby ;)) . Double smiles for that ; ).

   " I think that sometimes I forget how much FUN life can be because of the stress of work and other little things."

Sometimes I just need to step back and look at life. It's a load of fun. Those of you who may not know my husband he's a wonderful man who is serious, but he loves life. He's fun loving and he always tries to remind me that everything is just not that serious nor is it worth is. Plus who couldn't love life with my spunky 2 year old. There are just too many things to be thankful for. I have been focusing so much on the negative and what I had lost. I've gained so much in the past year, it's plenty to be thankful for. I have to sit back and enjoy the simplicities in life. Great family, amazing friends,fine @$$ husband who is also my bestfriend, did I mention my awesome daughter, a steady pay check,two beautiful healthy godsons who both just happen to be named Mason/Maycen what more could a woman ask for? (God willing, I will start getting things for this youth center in order, pray for me ya'll). Yes and I know what I stated how thankful I was twice, but even that's not enough acknowledgement, but it will do for now. Blessed....loved.....thankful

Does anyone else forget to sit back and just enjoy life from time to time?

Black History Month

Happy Black History Month! Thanks to my mother I know a plethera of things that I wouldn't have, had she not taught us. We were given books to read about different black people when we were younger. It was always a treat for me cause I loved reading about people and their lives when I was younger.

      I say this to say TEACH your children. TEACH our babies about their history. Stop telling them just about Dr. Martin Luther King, Harriet Tubman, Soujourner Truth, they are all wonderful/inspirational people. Learning about our history is not limited to slavery. That is not the only thing we went through, again not downplaying ANYTHING, by any means. Tell our kids that we came from Kings and Queens in Africa. That Africans were amoung the first to have a governement and have laws recorded.We are SMART, INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL, AND CAN BE ANYBODY WE WANT TO BE.


This is my reasoning for saying this. I was in my mother's classroom when she asked on Feburary 1st, What is today? The kids looked around at each other or stared back at her with blank  faces. After they shouted out the obvious things,( February, Valentines Day etc) they looked around in complete confusion when the answer was NO. My mom had to give them some hints, they finally go it. Then she asked another question. What President ended Slavery? Why did a student begin to say Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Really? Dr. Marting Luther King Jr. ended slavery in the 60's. C'mon man.

Tell your children to put down the video games, give them books let them read about the Tuskegee Airmen, Mary McCleod Bethune, Medgar Evers, W.E.B. DeBuois, Benjimen Banikar, Josephine Baker,Bessie Smith, Angela Davis, and Marcus Gravey. Give them a book about Macolm X, the black panthers. Fill your children with this knowledge. Expose them to other music like Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Sam Cooke, Nat King Cole, Duke Ellington, Bill Withers, Instead of them just thinking Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, Kanye West Wiz Khalifa (sp) is the only kind of music out there. Let them know that we have invented things, we have written things, created things (paintings), written songs and sang them.

We have to do better as a people to educate our young black children. Let them know that while having the dream to be a rapper, basketball player,football player, model, singer, actor/actress, while it is great, not everyone is meant to be one of those. There are other things to do outside of that. Just take the time to eduacate your kids on our History.Most kids don't have the desire to go out and try to find books on their own.

What do you think?

Loss and Life

This is technically my first blog. It has been on my "to do" list for a while now. I figured no time like the present to get started. New Year, which means new goals to set and accomplish.
   I started out the New Year with the Loss of a loved one, my godfather and Uncle. Death always sucks no matter what package it is wrapped in. Whether is was old age, disease/illness, or completely unexpected. I do believe it is the unexpected ones that suck the absolute most. This one was most certainly unexpected and freak accident. I think my cousin said it best, "You fought in Vietnam and won, won the battle against colon cancer, then you fall off a ladder in a freak accident and die." Whatever the case when Contreras' honor their loved ones it is a LONG weekend. We had the wake from 2-8 that upcoming Saturday, the funeral and repass on Sunday. Then there was a Verterans Memorial service for them, where they shot the rifles and everything in honor of him. ( I definitely got to rifle shells, they will be a necklace soon.) Then Monday morning my godson Macen Lee Hernandez was born. He is handsome. And a blessing. 

      The cycle of life continues. It never fails, after every death a couple months later their is a new life in our family. We mourn the loss of the loved one, we recall memories of that person. It really doesn't sink in until the next family function, and you realize yes that person is gone. Death is so much easier to deal with when you're surrounded by family, love and support.( My Uncle was the first to pass on out of his 14 brothers and sisters.) It's when you get home and you have to do it on you're own that is the rough part. What you do from there, how you deal with it and move on that's what counts. There will always be a missing piece to the Contreras puzzle. My heart hurt the most for his wife, his kids and especially his grandkids. They were close to him like my daughter is to my father. Which still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. He lives on through them. He is in heaven rejoicing with Jesus, what more could anyone ask for?

      Macen was born to one of my bestfriends, who also happens to be my cousin. He was healthy and long.
He has his whole life ahead of him. Learning to grab, crawl, walk, talk, run everything, Watching him grow is going to be a jounrney.He is truly a blessing.

One thing I can say is that death brings our family together. And as dysfunctional as we are, cause we are, just for a couple of days we were a supportive, loving family and acted as such. I know we get on each others nerves, we fight, argue, fuss at each other. Sometimes we make a muck out of things. After all that we're still family. Family is suppose to be there no matter what. Like I mentioned earlier, it was a wake up call. We have to get it together. I hope this family unity is permanent and not temporary. We just need to do a better job of checking up on each other, seeing each other and just loving each other . The pointing of the fingers needs to stop and we just all need to do our part. It just makes me want to be the best me, a better wife and mother, a better writer and it makes me want to attain my goals. Life is precious, we can't take it for granted, I know we keep hearing that but are we Listening?