Letting Go of "The List"

Let’s face it ladies, we’ve all seen those movies that tell you to write down a list of everything you want in a man. I think some of the most recent movies that come to mind are Deliver Us From Eva  and  Something New (one of my personal favorites).

 

 

How can I put this nicely? I’ve seen too many women pass up great men because of their list. It’s wonderful to know what you want in man. It’s definitely more than ok to have standards; you’ve got to have some right? I’m not asking you to abandon your standards, stop being afraid to step outside your comfort zone. Make sure when you are making this humongous list that you have something to offer in return. I feel like when you have a list you limit yourself and you miss out on opportunities not only for your potential mate, but you just miss out on meeting great people.

Why limit yourself? By strictly sticking to this list you are putting yourself in a box; if this man doesn’t meet all the requirements, he’s kicked to the curb before he’s even given a real chance. Women don’t give God a chance to work in their lives, because we want the control. That’s what having the list is about it’s about controlling what you want. Let me just tell you, there are few things that we control in life, if we just gave it to God life would be so much sweeter. Does God not know the desires of your heart better than you? Does he not know what kind of man is good for you, what kind of man would compliment you?

My husband and I rarely play matchmaker, been there done that, it usually doesn’t work out. (I know it has for some, but not for me : () Sometimes we see what would be great matches in our friends but because the guy is too short, or he has kids, or even cause he’s not what she wants physically in a guy, we don’t even bother. There are all sorts of excuses we hear, we see the chemistry, but I believe stepping outside ones comfort box is what stops people. (Why do I feel like some women run home immediately after meeting a guy and dig their list off to see if they can check everything off, does that sound crazy?)

 If you just let go, God will bless you with someone that fulfills more than just that checklist. It will be more than you could have dreamed of. It’s about being with someone that when you get old and wrinkly and can’t get it on anymore you have someone that will hold your hand and talk to you. Don’t get caught up in the hype of he has to look like this, make this much money, he has to be this tall (cause I’m not dating someone shorter than I). Stop getting caught up in all of that, the questions that should be asked are is he a gentleman? Is he sensitive? Does he make me laugh? (You have no idea how important laughter is in a relationship) Is this man my friend? Does this man love God? Those are important things.

Brandon was my unexpected blessing. I didn’t have a physical list, but I had a mental one and my husband has exceeded anything that I could have ever imagined. I think the reason I didn’t view him as a mate before was because he was my best friend and I didn’t look at him like that. This was the man who knew the flattering and the not so flattering things about me. I didn’t realize that God had been in our relationship since day one. He knew I was going to be the hard headed one too, but he never gave up on me. Even though I made mistakes he still blessed me with my husband.

When you have important questions go to GOD, cause  your girlfriends who are "counseling" you can mess you all up (another blog, another day). Love, live, date, laugh and pray, but most of all trust that God has your back, have faith that God got you. I’m not talking about that genie in the bottle praying; I want this, this and this but that prayer that comes from your soul (deep down from your insides). Just have a conversation with God and see what he’ll share with you.

 

Any comments? Do you agree or disagree?

Not Damaged Goods

              I believe the day that I realized I wasn't tarnished or damaged goods was the day I stopped listening to what everyone else has to say. (On the subject of having a child out of wedlock). I wanted to be the girl who got married first and then had children. My choices, my decisions, didn't make that a possible option. I had to come to the conclusion that just cause I had a child didn't mean I wasn't a good person. It also didn't mean I didn't have anything to offer. I (like many other women) came with the cutest little person ever! We were a set, if a man couldn't love my child, well then he didn't love me or couldn't love my completely. I had some inner issues that were just in my head, made up to deceive myself and believe I wasn't worthy of a good mans love. I was also very ashamed of things that I had done.
             Kolby was big part of my transformation, from what I thought a woman was, to becoming that woman. Mind you these were all the realizations I came to while I was still in a relationship. Change is a constant, it's one of the only things in life that is consistent for a nice amount of people. And subconciously we're afraid of change. Change=unknown and for all you control freaks out there, that's a hard pill to swallow, not knowing. It's not a sufficient enough reason to stay complacent. My husband use to worry if he would be a good husband and father. He use to say it's different when you get pregnant you have nine months to prepare for a child, where as I was just thrusted into it, so of course you wonder if you're well prepared for parenthood. I use to chuckle because Brandon is a great person, with a huge heart and an awesome example of what a great husband/father looks like. (Shout out to my father-in-law. thank you for loving mom the way you do and for being an awesome father.) With all that within you, how could you not be? My husband fell in love with me and my daughter. I think the key to that is that by loving me completely he was able to love my daughter. At first loving her because she was my daughter, then eventually loving her as her own person (Does that make sense?)and his daughter.

             I dont know how other women do it, but I had to let Kolby and Brandon develop their own relationship, Brandon is the type of person that doesn't force himself on anyone, he does things his way and relationships begin to develop in their own time. I think what I worried about most is how Kolby would feel once we had other kids. We'll love them all the same, but differently. To parents that statement makes sense. The same unconditional love with be distributed evenly amoung our children. It may just be shown in different ways, because of personality differences.
          Women with children does not equal damaged goods. Sometimes the woman may come with a little more baggage, No matter what anyone says you and your child(ren) deserve the absolute best. You do have something to offer another human being, but no one can tell you that. You have to believe it to be real for youself, speak it into existence.  Trust God, walk and talk to him. he has a man for the job. When I say talk to God I mean talk to him, outloud in your head. Don't treat God like a genie in a lamp that grants wishes, cause he is so much more than that.

Any thoughts? Anyone else ever experience anything like this?

The Shack, Book Review, Kind of.

I have a co-worker that I discuss books with. I love it. We talk about what we're currently reading and what we have read, of course we make recommendations to each other as well. A few months back she told me about this book called The Shack, by William P. Young. I was in the middle of reading something else and told her it would be my next great read. (That's what I call all my books, there's something special about every book I read, why not call them all great?) I had no idea what I was in for, but it turned out to be an amazing book. I actually am almost finished reading the second time through. My husband even got it on audio and listened to it, so that we could talk about it. He ended up loving the book as well. If you haven't read it, I recommend it to everyone.

I'm sure I am going to give away some of the book, so I apologize in advance. I don't know where to begin. The overview a man takes his children on a camping trip, the daughter is kidnapped. After searching for her, all they end up finding is her red summer dress and a substantial amount of her blood in this Shack. Years later he receives a letter in the mail from God asking him to join him at the Shack. The man goes back and forth in his mind about whether he is actually going to go. He ends up going and meets God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit in the flesh. It is beautifully written and it lets you know that the Holy Spirit works through us. You have to read it to understand exactly what I am talking about.

The book breaks down sterotypes that we have in our head about God and helps us to understand the relationship that he wants us to have with him. It truly is magnificent  how much love God has for all of us, he loves us imperfections and all. The wonderful thing about having a relationship with God, is that once we have truly experienced a real relationship with God, Grace accepts us as we are but is too powerful and too transformative to leave us as we are (Johnnie Moore). The book is very eye opening. It definitely taught me a lot and I'm trying to incorporate them into everyday life. I want God to be involved in every aspect of my life,working on that. I learned that we have to learn to forgive the things that we deem "unforgiveable", no matter how difficult. We are not of this world remember? We are to show love and walk in love. It's not always easy, but it makes life easier. Think about if everyone tried to do that how much better things would be.

I just think the book was brilliant. It was one of those books that you have to pay attention to. I loved it. It helped me open my heart and my mind more.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the book, " Evil is a word that we use to describe the absence of good, just as we use the word darkness to describe the absence of life. Both evil and darkness can only be understood in relation to Light and God; they do not have any actual existence, I am the Light and I am Good. I am Love and there is no darkness in me. Light and Good actually exist. So removing yourself from me will plunge you into darkness Declaring independence will result in evil because apart from me, you can only draw upon yourself, from me: Life
Sarayu, The Shack.


I would love to hear some comments from some of you that have read the book.
Did you like the book? What did you like? What didn't you like?

Pretty is as Pretty does.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I really don't think I truly understood the truth in that statement until I was good and grown. We live in a society that OBESSES about their outwardly appearance.I meet students who are so caught up in the now. What's new? What's in right now? They have to have certain clothes and/or shoes. I know grown folks who are so caught up in skin color, hair; good hair/bad hair, clothes etc. Are we so caught up in appearances that we've forgotten to teach our kids to be beautiful people on the inside? Have we forgotten to teach children to be courteous, kind, nice, caring, giving and to have manners?


 I am a substitute teacher for a few different districts. A few weeks ago the Jr. high students were called into the library for a meeting. The principal had to talk to them about their attitudes and behavior. He said recently a majority of you have been talking about the newest shoes, trading shoes, and discussing the newest clothes. You have been disrupting your class and have put down some of your classmates for not having the newest shoes and clothes. If this continues your first offense is an after school, next is a Saturday detention and if you continue to be  a disruption you could get yourself a suspension. If you start off making your classmates feel bad, you'll skip straight to a Saturday. Honestly, I was just looking like, he seriously had to waste class time to lecture these students. Sitting there looking around, most of the students were rolling there eyes and pretending the pay attention.

I just never saw the point in making fun of someone that doesn't have the same material things that you have. Seriously?  You didn't buy that stuff, your parents did. But why do I want to own the SAME thing that you own? (Another blog, coming soon.) How do you get pleasure out of making others feel crappy about themselves? I was one of those kids who did'nt wear name brand anything. The only thing you caught us in that was name brand was probably the shoes on our feet. Nikes.  That was only sometimes. It's not about the brand name that is on the clothes, it's about the person behind the clothes. How we can we expect children to know this, if a large amount of adults don't know that to be true?

Adults are like that as well, but I seem to encounter the funky attitude adults. The adults who have bad days and try to take it out on everyone else around them. When teachers meet with some of there students parents, you then start to understand where the attitude come from.

When do we start molding little people who are just sweet, caring, nice just beautiful on the inside?
The same goes for adults when dating, stop being so obssessed about how your partner looks? Focus on how they make you feel? are they nice? Is he a gentleman/lady? Does he/she stimulate me mentally? Is he/she nice to other people? We have to stop OBSSESSING, once you let inner beauty shine, man it shines outward and that person is beautiful. We've all seen those beautiful people with stank ass attitudes, makes them look UBER ugly and seriously only shallow people are going to stay around you. The sad truth is that people will continue to deal with people because of how they look. They'll put up with certain behaviors or whatever purely based on your looks. Is that the kind of person you want to be?

When does it start to be about something more than just how people look? The people who march to their own drummer and tend not to follow what's "In", those are the caring, nice, sweet, giving people. Parents have to stop being so focused on getting their child the newest this, and that. We have to make sure we're doing a good job raising great people, so they can teach their children the same way. Teach our children to be thoughtful and that it's ok to be giving. It would make the world a better place. (<--- Corny, but so true.) But then again, we are in a society where outward beauty is everything, and stepping on whoever you have to, to get where you need to be; that is the accepted way of things right?

It's been raining for a while now, April showers bring may flowers. Behind our place is a big field, so with the rain comes TONS of worms; they wash out into our parking lot. A few days ago, my mini Captain Planet had me running late for work because she was picking up worms in the parking lot and putting them in grass, she said,"I have to save them." She did not want them to be rolled over by the cars. I just thought, we are doing such a great good job, we are raising such a caring child, one that takes time to rescue worms. Later when I got home we put our things inside the house and walked up and down the sidewalk rescuing worms. We even stood there and watch one slide from one side to the other. Now Kolby is beautiful on the inside. My dream for us when we start having more children is that they all are different skin colors, with different texture hair, because I don't want you paying attention to how they are physically, I want people to walk away and say hey, now that's a great person. Let's teach our children to show love and walk in love. Once you start living like that, life seems to get a tad bit easier.

What do you think? Are we so caught up in appearances that we've forgotten to raise beautiful children?  Are we so caught up in appearances that we end up with someone that's just merely physically beautiful? Have you tried to show love and walk in love to people you deem undeserving?

Bebe's Kids don't have nothing on kids today.

Today our society teaches our children that it is ok to have an attitude and be disrespectful. They are also taught that it is ok to say whatever comes to mind. It's ok to challenge teachers, elders and other authority figures in the community. All in the name of expressing themselves. Oh it's ok for them to talk and wear what they choose because they are merely "expressing" themselves.

        Where do you draw the line? What people don't understand is there is a time and a place for expressing yourself. What these children are not taught is that there are consequences for expressing yourself. A lot of these parents don't make anybody elses job easier either. Schools and other places are afraid to say it, but most of this behavior is learned and the lack of training comes from home. I do know that you can't blame everything on parents because when a child reaches a certain age it's time for them to be accountable for their actions. Why are you parents so scared to discipline your children? Why do you continue to say yes, when you know you should say no?
   

 Parents let their children do whatever when they're at home, so naturally when they are in school they believe the same behavior is acceptable at school and other places. I had a student, she decided not to follow directions, stood there staring hard , so I had to write her up. The last time she decided not to follow directions, I told her to call her mama and tell her about her behavior. She said,"I'm going to tell her what yous said too."  I told her to go ahead and tell her mama one because I'm not scared of her mama and two I said nothing out of order. That's how they respond. The killer part is she probably went home embellished the story and told her mom I said some things that I didn't. (It has happened many times before.) The students go home and make it seem like the teacher is picking on them. I am hard on my students because I care, I push them because they're capable of so much more. Instead of the parents questioning their child, they're so gung-ho about putting the teacher in their place for disciplining their child. The way I look at it is, if parents disciplined their children at home, I would not have to do it in the school.  Another point a co-worker of mine made was that she knew her son, and she knows how much of a pain he can be.


If a teacher EVER called home because of my behavior and class my mom didn't blame the teacher, my mom would also ask me what I did wrong. The parents know what their child is capable of, but they want to pretend that their child does no wrong. This helps absolutely no one and especially not your child, because every time they don't something wrong their going to run to their parents, knowing they will get back up. These kids watch/listen to anything and everything they want. Children/teens need boundaries. That's what parents are there for. Parents it's ok to be all up in your kids lifem you're their PARENTS.Be invovled, monitor what your children watch and listen to, what they wear. It's ok to ask questions, know where their going and who they're hanging out with. My mom had a block on my Family Video account, until I was 17, I could not rent rated R movies. I was also grounded in 8th grade because I had an Eminem cd in my possession (language.) My mom cared about me. She always use to say, "If I let you have and do everything now, what do you have to look forward to?"

It's true, I look at these kids and see how lost they are. If they get to go and do everything now, what do they have to look forward to? And that is when it gets dangerous. They'll start to experiement with other things. All I'm saying is it's ok to give you kids a little freedom, but it's ok to make sure you know their every move. Demand respect from your children, just make sure to keep the lines of communication open. Let them know why you're doing it and most importantly that you love them. It is ok to give your child tough love, there's such thing as tough Grace. I'd rather be the mean parent that's involved, then the cool parent who lets their child do whatever, so that they can have their childs approval. It has been said it takes a village to raise a child, but the village can't help if you as parents don't let them. Let the elderly man on the corner tell your son to pull his pants up if they're sagging down to his kneecaps and let the older woman tell a young lady it's not ladylike to cuss. People are scared to say something to these children because they're scared of what the child may do or the parents.

What do you think parents?

Celebrating 60 Years of Marriage.

Last weekend I had the pleasure of attending my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary party. It was at a beautiful banquet hall in Indiana. All I kept repeating to myself was wow 60 years of marriage, how incredible.

In a world where people rarely stay together, it is enriching to see two people celebrating 60 years of marriage. It is a great example that it is possible if you work, grow, laugh and pray together. There is struggle and times of sadness, but there are also many joyous occasions. I am truly blessed/thankful to have such a fine example of marriage.

Recently my husband and I went to visit my grandparents and my grandma was just telling me all the things she can no longer do around the house (my grandma was the ULTIMATE house wife, house always clean, dinner on the table, kids taken care of. Can you say AWESOME?) because of the pains in her body. Everything she can't do, she said my grandfather now does those things.

That's definitely what marriage is about give and take. Two people sharing the load and when one can't do the other one gladly/willingly picks up what the other one can't do. Make sense?

It wasn't until I got married that I truly began to understand the dynamics of a marriage. The things that I said I would hypothetically leave for (c'mon, we've all had those conversations)before I got married, if you were to ask me now, I might give you a different answer. As the years roll on you become more and more invested in your marriage. It's hard to just walk away and not try to work through it. It's even harder to say what you would or wouldn't do until the situation actually occurs in your life. Then you have a huh moment, I know what I said but..........

I have also come to realize that people show their love in different ways, My husband and I bicker a lot, we go back and forth, usually it ends with laughs USUALLY. That's one of the many ways we show each other love, it's different for each couple.

A marriage of 60 years couldn't have lasted without Christ as the foundation. My mother said, " I was watching you guys (my grandparents, her parents) out in the yard together and watched just how you all were moving and I realized then just how well you two work together." You never realize how two people fit each other, until you sit back and watch them.

I've seen growth in my grandparents over the last couple of years,yes ladies and gents growth still occurs in your late 70's if you allow it to. As I watched my ogre of a grandfather get up there and say something, it was in that moment I realized just how much my grandparents loved each other.

Here's to growth, love and more years of happiness. It was a very happy occasion and I was grateful to be able to share in the love that day.

What do you think it takes to sustain a loving/happy marriage? Why do you think we have such a high divorce rate now?

Moving in the RIGHT direction....

It's been a few weeks, I apologize. I sent out a message on Facebook a few weeks back. It went something like this:

Hey all,
I hope this finds everyone in high Spirits. Here it goes.... I'm trying to take my blog in a slightly different direction. Those of you who know me well know that I love: socializing, my family, talking about relationships, love, school, hair books, GOD and that I LOVE WRITING. (The list goes on) I would like to interview most of you and others I would like to have you as guest writers. ( Some of you might be asked to do both.) I just think all of us have a unique testimony that we're just sitting on. I believe that they should be shared. We never know who could be going through the same thing or if what we learned could help someone from making the same mistake or at least get to them to think twice about it. I just want everything that is written to be uplifting and positive.Please email me at KColeman1022@gmail.com if you would like to participate. Have a wonderful weekend. you all.
K

I got some responses in my e-mail and I'm going to go from there. I would love for you all to start praying for me and to ask God to keep me focused and to continue to lead me in the right dirction. I'm am excited. SUPER excited. I get ideas about blogs daily and have to write them down in my notebook.  If anyone else is interested in being a guest blogger or would love to be interviewed email me at the above address. I'm am interested to read what you you guys have to say and even more interested in getting to know some of you better. Thank you in advance to everyone who has volunteered. This is just the beginning you all.

Love and Blessings,

K