I believe the day that I realized I wasn't tarnished or damaged goods was the day I stopped listening to what everyone else has to say. (On the subject of having a child out of wedlock). I wanted to be the girl who got married first and then had children. My choices, my decisions, didn't make that a possible option. I had to come to the conclusion that just cause I had a child didn't mean I wasn't a good person. It also didn't mean I didn't have anything to offer. I (like many other women) came with the cutest little person ever! We were a set, if a man couldn't love my child, well then he didn't love me or couldn't love my completely. I had some inner issues that were just in my head, made up to deceive myself and believe I wasn't worthy of a good mans love. I was also very ashamed of things that I had done.
Kolby was big part of my transformation, from what I thought a woman was, to becoming that woman. Mind you these were all the realizations I came to while I was still in a relationship. Change is a constant, it's one of the only things in life that is consistent for a nice amount of people. And subconciously we're afraid of change. Change=unknown and for all you control freaks out there, that's a hard pill to swallow, not knowing. It's not a sufficient enough reason to stay complacent. My husband use to worry if he would be a good husband and father. He use to say it's different when you get pregnant you have nine months to prepare for a child, where as I was just thrusted into it, so of course you wonder if you're well prepared for parenthood. I use to chuckle because Brandon is a great person, with a huge heart and an awesome example of what a great husband/father looks like. (Shout out to my father-in-law. thank you for loving mom the way you do and for being an awesome father.) With all that within you, how could you not be? My husband fell in love with me and my daughter. I think the key to that is that by loving me completely he was able to love my daughter. At first loving her because she was my daughter, then eventually loving her as her own person (Does that make sense?)and his daughter.
I dont know how other women do it, but I had to let Kolby and Brandon develop their own relationship, Brandon is the type of person that doesn't force himself on anyone, he does things his way and relationships begin to develop in their own time. I think what I worried about most is how Kolby would feel once we had other kids. We'll love them all the same, but differently. To parents that statement makes sense. The same unconditional love with be distributed evenly amoung our children. It may just be shown in different ways, because of personality differences.
Women with children does not equal damaged goods. Sometimes the woman may come with a little more baggage, No matter what anyone says you and your child(ren) deserve the absolute best. You do have something to offer another human being, but no one can tell you that. You have to believe it to be real for youself, speak it into existence. Trust God, walk and talk to him. he has a man for the job. When I say talk to God I mean talk to him, outloud in your head. Don't treat God like a genie in a lamp that grants wishes, cause he is so much more than that.
Any thoughts? Anyone else ever experience anything like this?
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