Beautiful Chaos

I am sure that after I write this I will have a clever title. Sometimes I know it before I start writing and it sets the tone for the entire blog. At church we were asked a few questions, what are some goals that we wanted to accomplish this year? What are some things that you want to work on? etc. Those types of questions. I know that this year I want to dig deeper into the word, for my prayer life to be more consistent, to take care of myself and most importantly stop beating myself up. I put the most pressure on myself. My husband is awesome and works, so that I can be at home with the kids and work super part time. It is truly a blessing. I homeschool our 6 year old, that in itself is an adventure.I have to take day by day. Every day is different. It may seem like I have it all together, honestly I lose it several times a day. I have tiny humans making their demands and request from the time I wake up until the time I close my eyes. Every time it seems as if we're getting into some sort of rhythm or routine someone starts teething or having nightmares and it starts all over again. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to procreate, they're such a blessing, and being a mom is such an amazing thing. Let's talk about how its 10:58 pm and my son is outright refusing to go to bed. He keeps fake crying and calling my name.

This is Kolby's first year of homeschool. I think I am messing up my kid at least twice a day. I am still building my confidence. I graduated EIU with a Bachelors in Elementary Education, but somehow manage to convince myself that I am not capable of teaching my child. That makes perfect sense right? There are  many opportunities at home for her to learn. I am not worried about the socialization of my daughter; I am more concerned about the amount of information that she is taking in, I am thankful that I get to watch her as she begins to trust herself more and realize her inner strengths. I just want to raise God fearing, independent, intelligent, knowledge seeking, kind, humble, beautiful individuals with strong opinions and personalities who love or at least can appreciate nature. I want them to be able to trust themselves. I had an aha moment and realized that there is no better person qualified for the job. I want to be there every step of the way. A friend of mine who is also homeschooling her children (shout out to Shalia) has been a godsend and she has helped me to ease up on myself as well. She lets me bounce ideas off of her if we find something we like we share it with each other.

I had a recent epiphany after a small spat with my husband(ya'll like how I slipped that in there spat lol). I haven't taken the time I need for myself to be refreshed. Self care is important. When you're constantly doing for others as we tend to do as women period then add the title wife, mother, sister, friend, Aunt, godmother, granddaughter; we tend to put ourselves last on the totem pole. He told me that he needed me to take that time, so that I can come back feeling replenished. My communication has to be better too. I assume by saying certain things that my husband knows what I am thinking therefore he knows what I want. Negative, that is such a false statement. I just have to tell him what I am thinking and feeling, tell him what I mean. I do this often, except when it comes time for myself. Brandon is the first one to ask if I need some alone time. I just think to myself that there is just so much to do and get done that there is no time for me to take for myself. That too is a negative statement. When I need the time, I have to take the time. Otherwise I end up blowing up because I feel overwhelmed.  I have been praying more in those moments asking God to guide me to help replenish my patience and to be slow to anger. I just have to take a moment. It has helped tremendously. The kids respond to it better as well. This helps me transition into my next set of thoughts.

 My husband and I were up late last week into the wee hours of the early morning. We were up clowin', conversation and laughter are key to a great marriage. He's my bestfriend. This weekend he woke up a little early pushed the toddler in our bed to the other side, laid down on my side just lay with me and hold me. Intimacy. Our conversations are priceless and I don't take them for granted. He's extremely inspiring. As I'm sitting here typing away, I hear the click clacking of the keys from his computer.

Walk that walk and talk that talk. If you want to change something or do something better do it. All you have to do is get started. In order for something to happen you have to get the ball rolling and you have to keep the ball rolling. I have STOP being so hard on myself. I can't do it all and there aren't enough hours in the day. Somethings I just have to learn how to let go. My kids are going to remember my kisses and cuddles, that I dress up and run around with them, I listen and pay attention to them, They're not going to say oh yeah our house was so clean. I want to be here in the present. My life isn't perfect, but it's my life, I like to call it beautiful chaos. Seriously beautiful chaos because it is just that and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just wanted to share.

Mommy Chronicles pt.1

It's been way too long to even apologize. I'm not even going to make excuses. I have had two more children since the last time I wrote a blog. Kolby is 6, Meela will be 2 on Sunday and Judah turned 1 last month, busy is an understatement. We are always on the move. I am learning to find beauty in the mundane (thanks Dori.) We decided that I would be with the kids the majority of the time. They are only this small for a short amount of time. The kids are amazing little people that can make me feel a vast amount of emotions in a short span of time.. I am extremely thankful for them. It is an amazing feeling to watch them grow and watch their distinct personalities develop. I am along for their journey, it is a roller coaster. A roller coaster I wouldn't trade for the world. There are many nights Brandon and I pass out from exhaustion. Exhaustion from work and day to day things. Then there are beautiful nights such as these that I am up and the house is quite. I hear my husband snoring and my children breathing and tossing in their sleep. Sometimes I watch tv, other times I just stare at the wall and think, other nights I pray.

There are days I feel like I am in adequate, like I am not doing ANYTHING. Brandon has to remind me just how important my job is. My 6 year old is going through a bit of a rough patch. She's going through this mouthy, eye rolling, stubborn as a mule with an attitude to match phase. It drives me up the wall. And I'm like what the heck am I doing wrong? The answer is nothing. She is a little person testing the limits, trying to figure things out, I am in no way saying what is going on is OK, but it's a phase. We're trying to navigate through it together with conversation and tons of prayer. She was off for spring break this week (I know super late for Spring break) and we had such a great time together. She does way better when the 5 of us are together for an extended amount of time. This week I watched her guide her brother around things, played Barbies with Meela. I was just amazed at how big she is getting and how fast it happened. I watched her love on her brother and sister, even though sometimes those moments were short lived and followed shortly by one or both of them screaming mom to tell on the other one. Those moments in between are beautiful. I want to capture it all, but sometimes in trying to capture it all you miss IT, whatever IT may be.

Meela is in her "terrible twos" phase. Maybe because I anticipated it, it doesn't seem so bad. First she's sour then she's sweet, no but seriously that's her. She's so silly and strong willed, but so sweet sometimes all at once.Brandon was just telling me how he looks at her in the middle of their conversations like I am sitting here having a whole conversation with my two year old. A full blown conversation where she is making gestures, faces and stringing words together so easily now. She loves her big sister and wants to do what she does, of course she cannot do everything her big sister does as she is 4 years older than Meela. Meela and Judah have a special language they look at each other every morning at some point stop what they're doing and make each other smile and then laugh. Meela loves snuggling with her big sister while they're watching movies, which is something Meela just started doing recently.

Judah man. Happiest toddler I have ever met. He is always smiling and laughing, so so so goofy. I have quickly learned the difference between little boys and girls. We had to buy a baby gate for the steps; he climbs on EVERYTHING. Slides off of things with his had stretched out head first, ready for the world. Judah gets into anything and everything. We have this bucket full of balls that the girls rarely played with. Thanks to Judah they are all over the house EVERYDAY. Everything that is round is automatically a ball. I had to explain to him many times today that my melons that he was rolling all around my kitchen were in fact fruit and not balls. He looked at me and pointed at the melons saying "Ball." I would say, "No." He would just smile or laugh. The way his sisters love on him is a sight of beauty.

They all add something special to our family. Thank you husband for helping to make this all possible, without him there would be no this.We have gained friends, lost friends have estranged friends. We're just trying to navigate through this the best way we can. I am just so thankful that I have a great husband, we do this together, giving 100% of ourselves. We have to our kids are watching. We get through it together by communicating and praying. Praying helps so much, the secret is to not stop praying once things are good, continue on through the good.

Psalms 127:3-5
Lo, children are the heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

Just wanted to share some of me
Enjoy

A QUEEN'S AMBITION

My husband wrote a blog for me yesterday that I am very excited to share. <3

I recently had the opportunity to take two weeks off for vacation.  I was able to do many things that I wanted to do and other things I haven’t had time to do.  We went to visit some loved ones and had a great time.  But during this time I noticed many things.  I also had many different realizations. 

This is how life should be.  My wife had two snow days and we had stocked up on groceries the day before the storm and severe cold hit.  When I woke up in the morning I didn’t have to rush, there was no thought in my mind other than thanking God for another day and going downstairs to make some breakfast for me and my girls.  Those two days were great; I rank them very high amongst my fondest memories in my short time as being a husband and father. 

Through all of this I got to thinking about my wife.  Well wives in general.  The good ones.  The QUEENS.  Now if you don’t have such a status I am not speaking about you.  Don’t kid yourself, as you continue to read you will know who it will apply to if you have any question.  But anyway during my time home I did a lot of the cleaning, most of the cooking, got Kolby ready, took and picked her up from school, etc.  I didn’t just want my vacation to be a break for me, but for Kathy as well.

Now of course I pitch in, I do dishes, mop the floor, clean the tub, lawn work, snow shoveling etc on a normal basis.  But I got a taste of what a woman does on a daily basis.  Let’s just say that I have a greater appreciation and admiration for a one Katherine Ashley Coleman.  Now to her and to other Queens reading this, your daily activities are just chalked up to “doing what I gotta do.” 

My wife is 6 month pregnant and does everything I just spoke of, and she does it ALL the time without fail or complaint.  She is supportive, spiritual, and ambitious and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes upon.  She pushes me, but what stood out to me the most was the WHY?  Why does she push me so hard?  How does she know when to stop and when to subtly start back up again.  I fall victim to catching an attitude when she says, “are you going to write?” or “have you written anything today?” or “did you call this?” or “or did you call about that?”  She can be pushy.  But why is she that way?  We live comfortably; we have a comfortable home, two jobs, two cars, food on the table happy daughter and another daughter on the way.  We by no means have a lot of money but we have been blessed to pay for everything we need and have a lil change left for some things we want.  But that isn’t enough for her.  It isn’t enough for me either but there is a difference in the essence of the ambition. 

THE ESSENCE OF AMBITION.  What does a man with the smallest ambition and one with monumental ambition have in common?  We feel like we can do it on our own.  We also know it takes time and especially when we’re young we feel like we have time to make things happen.  We want bigger things for our families but we also have jobs we go to.  We have to make money for that family.  We also have responsibilities when we get home too.  We’re tired, the game is on, new Madden/2k, gotta go to the gym, doing something with our cars etc.  Now I’m not saying we don’t get tired, or that working out isn’t important.  I feel it’s good to get the game in every now and then and I’m an avid sports fan.  But at the end of the day what does that do to help us move towards our goals of being financially stable/free?  Does it help us open that business, finish that book, finish school, get our CDL or whatever it is we want to accomplish.

A good woman will recognize she has a good man and will support him through it all.  They also have a better understanding of the team aspect of a family.  She will push you to be the best you can be.  Bottom line, THEY WANT US HAPPY.  Their ambition is often intertwined with ours, but if we don’t actively pursue progression that twine can unwind.  Everyone and everything has a breaking point. We must listen to our women.  They want what we have to offer.  A WOMAN IS BUILT TO RECEIVE FROM A MAN.  Look at the act of sex.  Women receive what they need from a man in order to create LIFE.  We work together and together we can all have that better life and accomplish those goals and dreams.  Pride gets in the way of us listening to our women.  WOMEN HAVE A MUCH HARDER TIME SETTLING FOR MEDOCRITY!  If you have one of these women in your life, thank them.  Then NOTICE what they do on a daily basis.  Even the most thoughtful man can lose sight of this from time to time.  These women go hard for us.  They want to see us shine; we should want that type of woman in our life.  We wanna make our momma proud and do right by them.  It should be the same with our mates. 

*I in no way feel I know everything, and I’m aware people are different and some things don’t apply for everyone.  This is based on my feelings, what I’ve seen in my relationship and others.  It’s what I live, I’m surrounded by Queens.

Happy New Year, Me Recycled.

Every year we hope for a better, prosperous, more fulfilling year than the last. I do realize around this time people make the same resolution or the all too familiar New Year New Me. Every year. Last Sunday we had a guest speaker Pastor Rick Cotton. He delivered an awesome message, perfect for the last Sunday of the year.
I'm going to share a tad bit with you.

Patience, Faith and Courage: Rahab Recycled

Rahab could easily be called the hero of the Battle of Jericho. Two spies found themselves at the door of Rahab. What would have happened if they knocked on the door of someone else? Some people can't get past the part that Rahab was a prostitute to see the good in what she did. (was meaning past tense) Rahab's reputation was so bad that a mere makeover wouldn't have helped.

Rahab needed to be recycled.

What does it mean to be recycled?

1. Being reclaimed

2. Being reprocessed

3. Being re-purposed

We have to change our habits, do them in a different way. Find a new use for what we have. Anything that goes through the recycling process has already been purchased. None of us are saved when we come into this world. We have been bought by Jesus.

*Reclaimed

Part of the reclaiming process is that there are places to take back what we're trying to get rid of. Somewhere it needs to go for the process to begin. It doesn't matter where we are when we make ourselves available to God.

*Have to be Reprocessed

The reprocessed item serves a greater purpose than what it was before.Recycling makes peoples lives and the Earth better. Many other people benefit from the reprocessing process. An outside force has to be applied chemical process. Most of the time basic elements don't serve the purpose, we need to add to it.

*Re-purposed 

Faith is often tested.God isn't just satisfied with conversion. We're given a divine purpose only we can can fulfill. God is good, he gives us opportunities to share/show our faith by how we interact with others. Most of the time it doesn't cause us to put our lives on the line. 

The message was awesome, so much I have thought about it every day since then. I had to share Brandon and I were just talking about how we were about to see New Year New Me status'. Our goal was to move in the right direction to fulfill our purposes motivating each other and making this a better year allowing the Holy spirit to lead us more. You see I have this problem called laziness/procrastination and I've allowed too many excuses.  I ask God to reclaim me,reprocess and re-purpose.

I realize that I had been limiting myself and closing myself off to others. I want to allow myself to connect more with other people. I am never going to forget that where I am on my spiritual walk now, I haven't always been at this place. I will remember what it took to get here, cause it's all about the journey, it allows me to be able to relate to others. Sometimes you just have to meet people where they are, no judgement; pass on the knowledge that you are suppose to and in the end it's their decision to make a choice.  I want to be a blessing to everyone I come into contact with and be bold enough to say what is put on my heart to say.  Each year just keeps getting better and better. This year we'll be adding another girl to our family, Kolby will be turning 4,celebrating 3 years of marriage, and diving deeper into our ministries. Ask God to recycle you. I pray for a very prosperous and successful year for my family and yours.

As my daughter always says, "Praise Jesus."

Anyone else feeling inspired?

Black Classic Cinema Returns: The Best Man Holiday

When I heard this movie was coming out I was OVER the MOON excited. I can't remember the last time I was this geeked to see a movie. When was the last time a movie like this came out? It's of the same caliber as The Wood, its pre-quel Best Man, Love Jones, Brown Sugar and The Brothers. Take a minute and seriously think about? There are so many talented black actors in this movie. It's about love, real life situations that many people go through and the connections (relationships) that people have with one another. My husband made a very good point yesterday, relationships are the most powerful connection that we have to one another, other than the relationship that you have with God.  

The depiction of black love and interpersonal interactions between characters, a thing of beauty. It's something that is not seen in every movie, but you see how vital it is to the movie. Connections. Best Man Holiday made me go through a roller coaster of emotions. Watching to see how the characters had grown and stayed the same connected it back to the original film. (Mind you we were sitting next to a young woman who had never seen The Best Man... UGH)  It's raw and real; close to something that we experience with our own friends. The characters are definitely something we can relate to and have to deal with. Learning to move forward and learn from our past. Definitely learning what it means to truly forgive and seeing what unforgiveness can do to your heart. It's nice to see the importance of friendship and what it truly means to be faithful to God.

The relationship between Harper and Jordyn, and Harper and wife Robyn is a real life situation. Two of the most important women in his life don't mesh. It doesn't always end where the two women end up being besties. Candy and Merch, where the past meets the future and for a few minutes your ego gets the best of you. Egos can ruin a lot of things. The chemistry between the cast is dynamic, none of it seems forced. There is a genuine love and respect for one another.

 

 

 

You see the transition from friends to family and what all that means; you take the good with the bad. Love is what the movie is based on. The depiction of characters and the development of them, every aspect they had in the movie made it what it was, which was EVERYTHING.

The positive image of black relationships another aspect that needed to be applauded. Despite what you see around you, there are successful black relationships and marriages going on around you. I was for damn sure happy to see it up on the big screen for ALL to see. It definitely lived up to the hype. It was so great, my husband I talked about it on and off all day, and I woke up thinking about it. I'm a sucker for romantic comedies. I recommend all to go out and see the movie.

 

Which movie was your favorite? The Best Man or The Best Man Holiday?

 

Our Family Unit

I'm back. = ) I've been getting into the swing of things and just needed a mental vacation away, so I took one. There are a lot of NEW things happening with our family. First and foremost  I have been dealing with all day sickness and carrying out my other duties as wife and mother. We found out that we are expecting another child April 2014. Our toddler just started her first week of pre-school. We are over the moon excited about the new changes with our family.

I think over the past few months I have learned a numerous amount of things about the people in my life. My husband is a father and a damn good one. He is a father, not a father figure. A father figure is a basketball coach or Uncle who tells you to pull up your pants and teaches you other life lessons. A father is someone who is actively involved on a day to day basis, a person who takes care of their child, disciplines, teaches and plays with their child.

When I speak of a blended family. I am talking about the immediate family unit, my husband, myself and our children. I have a wonderful support system in my family and my in laws. If you ask my in laws how many grandchildren they have, they'll tell you they have one with another on the way. No step-grandchildren, a grandchild , to ask them how they feel about having their first "Real" grandchild (trust that has been said out loud to them.) it is pretty offensive.

I don't think people understand a love like that. To love a child who is biologically not yours but loving them as if they are. That type of love is incredible. People say they understand verbally, but their actions say differently. It's hard to expect someone to understand when they haven't experienced God's love. God's love is limitless, it heals all wounds. Trust, that's something we know well in this household. I acknowledge good and well that my daughter has 2 fathers. Ask Kolby, she'll tell you. Our doors are always open to anyone who wants to see her or visit. It's been like that since day one. The fact that some don't take advantage of it, or feel a certain way about it, that's on you.

To tell me my husband is a father figure is an insult and rubs me the wrong way. I have an amazing dad. I have a great father in law. I have also had my share of father figures as well. My blended family works the way it works. Is there room for improvement ? Always. Like my husband stated what works for us may not work for you. Some of our friends don't know how to blend and frankly it makes no difference. My family exemplifies love. Lori said it perfectly in her blog, " We surround ourselves with people that will lovingly support us." For me that's not just with their words, but also with their actions.

I think about it now because we don't believe in step this and half that. My next child will be her brother/sister. We are put here for a purpose and my family was put together for a purpose. Lori also said, " Peoples thoughts, actions and decisions are out of our control, I chose not to live my life for others." Some of our friends and family have blended well and some have not at the end of the day you can chose to be a part of our unit or not.

Christians....We don't live in a Box.

Several months ago we had a get together for my husband's birthday. I love having people over cooking for them and then watching them enjoy the food, it's great. Like most times we end up talking about God and life. It's wonderful. One of our friends described Christianity as living in a box. I had to step back and think about it for a minute. There are many people out there that would probably describe Christianity as such.

There are a great deal of people out there who don't want to be held accountable for their actions. They do not want rules to live their life by. A lot of people are into living life to the fullest and living in the moment. They don't think of consequences to their actions. It's selfish. In the end if something does go wrong you end up hurting not only yourself, but everyone who loves you. God has things set up a certain way, that way things fall into place. When we go against God's ways that's when we have problems. Things are set up the way they are to protect us from hurt. I understand that now. It's not to limit the fun that we have in this life. The people who think God doesn't want us to have fun, don't your parents want to see you happy and having fun? Why would God be any different? He is our Father right?

The closer I get on my spiritual walk the happier I have become. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the closest I have felt to God is with my husband. It's a beautiful and freeing feeling to be able to worship/praise God and pray with my husband. It's freeing I don't feel limited at all being a Christian. I love to dance, sing and listen to music. I heart music. Hey Christians even tell jokes. We laugh we have a good time, we discuss different topics, we learn. Reading the Bible is exciting, there are so many life lessons in there that can be applied to everyday life. It's a book that is timeless.

I even drink a glass of wine here and there. I'm not perfect, but being a Christian isn't about living a perfect life. You're bound to fall short, the difference is acknowledging it, asking for forgiveness and moving forward. It's about living a life full of love. It's about being kind, forgiving and understanding. Being able to serve and help others, it just enriches life. Being a Christian is about growth. I had conversation with my sister last night. I was just amazed at how much she has grown spiritually in just a year, I stopped at points in our conversation just to tell God Thank you. That has been one of my biggest prayers for my siblings Faith to grow stronger and for them to have a personal relationship with God.  We have too much to do here while we're on Earth, than to waste time being mad over miscommunications. My personal favorite is when people let pride get in the way. Pride is a roadblock; it just gets in the way and is a total inconvenience. It complicates situations that don't need to be complicated. Being a Christian is also about reconciling. Why not? Life is better when your getting along with the people you love right? It's kind of a get in where you fit in situation. If you see an opportunity to make amends then you should, even when you think there isn't room for it, we should create our own opportunity for reconciliation.

I am open minded. I love. I do understand that all Christians are not like this. My prayer is that we become more like our heavenly father. If anything being a Christian is anything but living in a box. I understand that people don't want to sacrifice certain things and that's what you're doing when you give your live to Christ. I feel it's the least you can do. He did live as a man, kicked it with the undesirable and died on the cross JUST FOR US.  I'm just saying. I have gained so much more in life. I just want to do what I am called to do and Glorify God while I do it.

What are you living for? Do you feel that Freedom?