Monday, June 24, 2013

"I'll See Your STEP and Raise you a FATHER"

I have the honor and privilege of introducing my bestfriend and husband. He is a huge supporter and my biggest encourager. He's the best man I know and one of the best writers.
 
                                   
 
 
Giving honor to God
Love to my Queen for the feature.
I help raise a beautiful 3 year old girl.  I love her with all my heart.  I loved her initially because I love her mother.  She’s a woman I fell in love with years before she was born.  We started off as classmates, then we became friends, then she became one of my two best friends.  It wasn’t foreign to me to have close female friends, some I became involved with, others became like sisters but this one was different.  I just wanted to be there for her and around her all the time.  Initially there was no feeling there; I didn’t even like skinny girls.  Neither of us knew that we had met our spouse; all we knew is that we had an indescribable need and desire to be in each other’s company.  
When we eventually became involved with each other, it seemed we both had a vendetta against the union and did everything we could to sabotage it.  Through the failed attempts we remained as close as we ever were.  
Then there was one last fallout, and that was it.  My side kick, my right hand, my soul mate, my best friend was out of my life. We both knew that things could never go back to the way they were (though we never imagined it would turn out so much better), but she tried and I denied.  I was hurt and I moved on or at least my version of it.  She also moved forward, began dating and eventually had Kolby.   Imagine the woman you love telling you she’s engaged and pregnant.  It’s like how people remember where they were when Kennedy was shot or when the planes crashed into the Trade Center.  It was the cherry on top of my own personal tragedy.  
I look back on the things I said and the things I did and it does bring some shame to my heart.  I had a lot of solo nights.  Dated different women, even got into a couple of bar fights.  It was like losing a leg.
The communication was dead on my end and minimal on hers.  I wanted nothing to do with her.   I just wanted three things, that I would stop loving her, that they both would be healthy and happy, and lastly that she would forget all about me and never speak to me again.
The Lord began to work on me and my rampage stopped.  I started to hang with the fellas more and then I started staying home with the family soon after.  That gave me peace.  I began to deal with myself.  I began to get my own internal house in order.  Not knowing that God was preparing me to be a husband and a “step” father.  
When we got back together there was no need to beat around the bush, we both knew we wanted to marry one another.  She was 100% sure, but I wasn’t.  I was apprehensive because I didn’t want to be hurt again, but mainly because I did not want to resent the child.  We encountered opposition from different angles initially.  It was not easy to say the least.  Kolby was scared of me.  I’m big and black not something she was used to lol.  I also hadn’t opened my heart up to her and believe it or not children can pick up on that.  As time went on we became close and today I love her as if she were my own.
I make no apologies to anyone for calling her my daughter, if someone does have an issue with that you can ask her.  But I am one of three people that can call her that.  She has a biological father that she knows and loves.  I like  to see them interact with each other.  I love that she loves him.   When I was asking my father-in-law for his daughter’s hand in marriage he said five words about his granddaughter regarding her father, “Do what’s best for Kolby.”  I believe I have done that to the best of my natural ability.
She calls me Daddy or Pops because she respects the man I am in the house she lives.  When she lived with my in-laws she drew from what my father-in-law is in his home and respects me in the same way.  I have never told her to call me Daddy; she did that on her own.  I am by far the hardest disciplinarian in her life and the ultimate enforcer.  It is my job, it is my joy.  She brings joy to an area of my heart that God reserved just for her.   I know that many biological families and their friends will not respect the “step” father and his family and that’s fine.  You just keep doing what you do because all that matters is that the child respects you as that authority in their life.  I chose this life, it wasn’t an accident, I knew what I was getting in to but I didn’t fully understand what I was getting.  
I take great pleasure in seeing her Mother and Father in her, from her ears to her facial expressions.  I see both of her grandmother’s in her eyes and body language.  I’m inspired by her relationship with my father in law it is a thing of beauty.  But beyond all this I can also see my influence in her life.  Like when she’s doing something she thinks she’s not supposed to and looks right at me to see if I have objections. How we lay on our backs and count imaginary stars on the ceiling.  The things my mother and father teach her as well as our siblings.  
Why can’t we sit back, shut the hell up and learn to cooperate with one another.  It won’t always be easy but if you’re so worried about being upset with another person you miss out on the beauty in a child’s development.  Stop listening to people who aren’t in your situation (FRIENDS).  Go to God for yourself and figure out how your blended family will work.  It may not work like mine and there will probably always be some uneasiness.  We have to give our children the best opportunity to grow that we can offer.  I was taught by a great man to pray for your children (grand,god) even before you know them.  Pray with them when they get here, they are not just Instagram and Facebook props.  Blended parents respect one another and the children.  Communicate with them and each other.  One father may never live with their child, another will never be blood but if you ask that child if they are loved by both they shouldn’t hesitate.  Lets Grow Together because We’re in this Together.
SHOW LOVE
Persuaded by the GOSPEL
Motivated by FAITH
Inspired by LOVE


Thanks love. Comments are welcomed.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Emotional dumping

This week I would like to introduce a friend of mine. My goal is to get a variety of different people to share their perspective.
I'm Shavonne (vonnelove) Lover of God, Music, and good jokes. I love given my view on things... Hope you like.


Ever been in an Emotional dumping situation?

Emotional dumping is allowing someone to consistently vent to you about a particular situation/circumstance/problem repeatedly with no plan or action to change.

Emotional dumping never starts out as that. It comes off as venting about a situation or problem. And that's fine as long as it doesn't continue...

For example, If a friend comes to me about a situation and I listen to her vent about how, lets say, her boyfriend doesn't treat her right... she vents, I give advice (if asked) , and we move forward with the day... Then a couple days later I hear the same thing happened, just a different day, and again the next week... And again the next week... After so much time I have to realize that this is her life style and her venting isn't in search for a solution, it's purely emotional dumping....

She's simply staying in that situation and when she's fed up she comes to vent (emotional dump) only to be able to clear her mental to endure more emotional turmoil.

I can't let that happen... That's way too much pressure.

Can my friends vent to me more than once or twice about the same situation? Of course! But there has to be some type of personal progress within the situation and within a reasonable time.

Do you have to take my advice? No, but have a plan or a solution for a situation that keeps happening to you that you clearly don't like.

Most people have Emotionally Dumped... Mostly because they don't know what to do, but eventually figure it out. ..
Then there are those who live in that place because fear paralyzes their decision making skills... It's just easier to complain then to make a desicion.

Not making a decision is making a decision (by the way...lol) but its more comfortable to stay there then actually rejecting fear and moving forward. But that's a convo for another day... Lol.

Im out. Choose love.

-VonneLove

I just want to add emotional dumping puts your friend in an awkward situation. You could have emotinally dumped and then there's a get together and you have to be all in the person who was dumped about face. It can get a bit awkward. I have gotten better with this, now it doesn't phase me. But there was a time that I couldn't be neutral and  I harbored ill feelings to the person talked about. I think for me it has just been about growth. Now you don't know by my actions, that I know. Make sense? Personally there are somethings that don't need to be shared with other people, even your closests friends. Like I said before if we sought out God first, there would be a whole lot more situations figured out. That's the biggest problem....seek God in all things. Emotional dump on God, cause he can lift that burden from you completely and he can give you peace. Nicely written Shavonne.

Do you have friends like this?

Monday, June 10, 2013

Be Cautious of Who You Seek Advice From.......




As I have gotten older my circle has gotten a whole lot smaller, I am more than ok with that.

When it comes to seeking relationships advice I am very cautious about who I seek advice from. Ladies you cannot, I repeat cannot always go to your girlfriends for advice. I find that many women let their friends dictate their relationships. What you don't realize is that some of them will try to sabotage your relationship. You can be happy, but if they're miserable and bitter, the advice they give you isn't always coming from a  your best interest place.

Sometimes your girlfriends are overcome with that green monster of jeaslousy. Other friends are getting out of relationships and they're not in a happy place anymore and they will try to fill your head  with all kinds of nonsense. That's why you have to be cautious of peopls toxcidity levels cause some of those toxcins can enter your mind and start to poison it. All it takes is a drop of doubt and that can set off a chain reaction.

Some of you will read this and say no not real. For some people this isn't their reality, but for others it is. My husband and I will be celebrating our 2nd Anniversary in October. I'm happy, some people will say well you've only been married so many years, wait until after so many years. Instead of being encouraging, and I know others believe it's a show, why I would want to waste my time putting on a show is beyond me. Instead of offering encouraging advice, people are just waiting for you to fail. Yes, even some some of your so called close friends/family. I had a couple of friends who were jealous and didn't vocalize it to my face, there were other friends who said things that they don't think I know, but the word travels. This is also a reason I do not seek advice from some of my peoples anymore.

We should be as selective as we are picking shoes, that's how we should go about seeking advice, BE SELECTIVE, VERY SELECTIVE. Seek God's counsel first, before any man. I think a natural instinct when something happens to us to go straight to our close friends and family. God will never steer you wrong, man will. God has no alterior motives, he just wants to best for us in this life, asking God for guidance is key. Sometimes that's all we need to do, but there are other times where God will direct you to the right person to talk to, when he answers you just make sure you OBEY. Cause he doesn't always send you to the person you might have thought he would send you to.

As far as seeking advice from people, try to seek advice to people who can and will give you an unbiased opinion. You can seek out other couples who are in a similiar position. Seek out couples who have been married longer than you have. Just be wise about who are going to for advice. Some bad advice can have you messing up a really great thing. Everyones relationships is different, so the same advice that worked for me and my husband, may not work for another couple. This isn't just for relationships advice, this is for all advice. Just remember everyone doesn't always have YOUR best interest at heart. God always has your best interest in mind, ALWAYS.

 We have to make sure he is INVOLVED in everything we do. (This is a reminder for me as well.) I promise you if you open your heart he will never lead you astray.

Has anyone ever experienced bad advice? What do you do when you need advice, who do you go to?
When you receive the advice, what is your next move?